Chicken Porn

Last night's early TV offerings were less than stellar so I decided to curl up with my new favorite book, The Backyard Homestead or as I like to call it, 50 Ways to Lay....my own redneck porn...chicken porn!  In a very short time, I became a backyard aficionado of chickens.  I learned way more than I really needed to know but I was mesmerized and couldn't put it down.  I'm once again showing my age. While everyone else is bedazzled with the escapades of Anna and Christian, I am reading about the life and loves of hens and cocks. Let me enlighten you with just a few paragraphs of...50 Ways to Lay!  Firsts, let me preface by saying that not all hens are good layers...If you really want to know your shit...chicken shit....you must examine your hens and weed out the "lazy" ones.  Personally, my goal is to run "the Best Little Henhouse in Moravia!"

1. Look at their combs and wattles.  Lazy layers have small combs and wattles.  (This is doable...Mine are sporting large combs and can waddle with the best of them......Oh!  wattle!
2. Pick up each hen and look at their vent(?????? FYI...hens only have one "vent"...All their business is handled with this one orifice) A good layer has a large, moist vent. (be still my heart).  A lazy layer has a tight, dry vent! (duh)
3. Place your hand on the hen's abdomen. It should feel round, soft and pliable (ahhhhhh)....not small and hard.
4. With your fingers, find the hens two pubic bones, which are located between her keel (breastbone) and her vent. (obviously a form of fowlplay) In a good layer, you can easily press two to three fingers between the pubic bones and three fingers between the keel and pubic bones. If the pubic bones are close and tight, the hen is not a good layer. ( I suggested Lee do this.......we don't believe we have enough scotch)

After a few chapters, I was spent! My heart was racing, my mind was spinning and my hormones were engaged.  I had never felt such a closeness with a farm animal.  I was subconsciously yearning for Book 2 when I headed to the bedroom and gazed in the dining room mirror. Depression set in as I realized this chick's wattle was small and my comb was nowhere to be seen.... It's official...my laying days are over.... shocker!