Father Knows Best (or does he?)

 If being a teenager, during a pandemic, living with their grandparents and uncle isn't enough... try adding an estranged father with early onset Alzheimer's.  

Bailee is bright, savvy and an adult way before she should have to be.  Abandoned by her mother at 12 and living a less than stellar, normal life for 4 years prior, she now has the ambiguous task of reconnecting with her Dad.  Her grandmother, whom she never knew, died of early onset Alzheimer's at 45.  Her Dad is now 48 and in the midst of the disease as well.  Their relationship has been rocky to say the least.  Bailee became acquainted with the legal system at an early age. Through police, law guardians, social services and courts, Bailee learned that children have a right to be safe and heard.  After formal court proceedings and being heard by the judge, Bailee was allowed at 11...to decide when or IF she chose to see her Dad.  Being the intelligent girl that she was, she chose one more supervised visit with her him.  She then decided that was enough.  He had not shown up for a few visits and the others were just accomplishing nothing.

A year later, she decided she needed closure and arranged a meeting with him.  It went well and she felt good about parting company. After all, they really had no relationship for most of the life she remembered.

Fast forward to 2021, yesterday in fact!  Bailee had heard that her Dad was not well and it might be a nice idea to visit with him before he lost all cognizance of past years.  She contacted her half sister and learned that her aunt and uncle were planning a little family gathering for Marc's birthday. Yesterday, she met Denelle, her sister, and spent 3 hours reacquainting with her Dad and sister.  She was a little leery about spending time in surroundings that had always made her fearful and uncomfortable. Having her sister there made the situation less tenuous and she actually relaxed and enjoyed their time together.

She believes her Dad knew her. Conversation was limited as he generally only answers yes or no questions. It appears his mental status is that of a pre-teen and regressing.  I watched them playing frisbee in the yard and saw the frivolity of a child....hands clapping, jumping up and down and twerking.  He was unable to fasten his belt and needed help from Denelle.  This man had never been on my favorite list but I was truly sad watching his childlike play.

Believing his next move will be to a nursing home, it put life in a bit of perspective.... Possibly a different one for me than for Bailee.  She was happy that she had the chance to spend time with him, less guilt-ridden than she might have been had he completely forgotten her and a sense of forgiving for his past misdeeds.  Forgiving does not mean forgetting!

If you think a child does not remember their young childhood, think again. Sadly, this is a generation of misguided, misunderstood and often misused children.  Thanks to Bailee's fortitude, resilience and intelligence, she will be fine....She's heading down a good road that is paved with support and love and each driving lesson is making her a better driver!  There will be roadblocks but she will navigate around or through them......I have no doubt...success is her destination!!♥

You are Amazing....Remember that!

 For my birthday this year, one of my amazing friends gave me a "kind jar!"  The jar is filled with little envelopes each having an uplifting message tucked inside.  Today's message was: You are Amazing...Remember that!  A perfect rainy day reminder when it would be so much easier to dwell on the unfulfilled, the uncontrollable and the unhappy.  I AM amazing!  I can still bend over and touch my toes ( I just have trouble getting back up,) I manage to keep a household of 4-5 running semi-smoothly, I can still remember a few people's names and events that have happened in the past, I still know how to spell, read and write and have the ability to help others with their lack of skills (or at least point them out,) I still have organizational skills that help to keep us all in line and I am learning that me time is precious, necessary and guiltfree.

I am looking forward to the next few days and the messages I will open.... I'm pretty sure one might say "You are Thin" or "You are Young."  If not, I'll use my educated interpretations to bring a smile to my wrinkled face....after all, I AM Amazing!!!

7th Decade

 Well, that was fast!  Seems like we had just built a new house and were moving on from my hometown (Locke.)  Those 13 years flew and here I am beginning my 7th decade on this planet at my favorite place.  It's actually quite surreal and hard to wrap my aging brain around. Everything outside of me knows I'm absolutely in my 70th year...while everything, except a part of my brain, is still trying to make me believe that I have a wonderful memory, can dance with the best of them, am able to actually run a bit and am able to get off the ground all by myself.  Those things are all behind me. Gravity is no longer my friend and wanting to do something versus actually accomplishing it is merely an unattainable goal. Although, even at 69, goals are a good thing!  My goals now are to remember which night my favorite shows are on, to spend quality time with my grandkids, to keep a sufficient supply of toilet paper and diet Pepsi and to pay my bills on time.  I have come to terms that I will forever need a calendar, a list of my passwords and usernames, my phone within reach, my dearest friends nearby and my eyes on the road at all times.  I can, however, still sing along to the radio without fear of other drivers' glances or hand gestures.... remember, I'm watching the road and no longer care how silly I might look!!

This new decade does have its perks. I no longer feel the need to hold in my stomach(s!) Hair dye isn't necessary as white and gray are signs of age and wisdom.  I can write in cursive and do math without a calculator. I am keenly aware that the 60s were my favorite years with no worries, politics NOT a thing in my purview, someone cooked and cleaned for me and the music STILL far surpassed anything I've heard since.  I make few apologies, I stand my ground (ok, maybe wobble a bit,) I can substantiate my opinions and when I am finished doing ANYTHING....that's the end of the story.

I will try to be an optimistic septuagenarian!  I'm breathing, ambulatory and cognizant of the world around me. I must continue to keep my household in order, raise Bailee to the very best of my ability, keep on top of Jeff's healthcare and live long enough to share in college "grand"uations! Lofty goals indeed but on my radar nonetheless! 

Right now, I just need to make the bathroom:-0

End of an Era

 We are officially out of the bird business.  All our fowl friends that hadn't ended up in bird heaven have been relocated to a new home... All together so they will know birds there....we aren't up for having to have our birds in therapy because we abandoned them.

Jeff worked diligently over the week-end to take all of the pens down and they headed off to new locations to house other birds.  I must admit, I don't miss the mismatch of dog pen panels, steel roofing, netting and chicken wire that adorned the barn.  It resembled a homeless shelter for the less fortunate.

Now for the interior of the barn to be cleaned and serve as a cool wood shop for Jeff.  The floors are linoleum and will work great for sweeping wood shavings. He has many tools that can be set up permanently for a multitude of projects.  I have many in mind ;-)

I will miss Penny and Baby and the girls keeping us tick free but I will NOT miss the poop on the stoop....every stoop.  They were fun for many years and fresh eggs were great but I can still afford to buy eggs and the hobby farm was losing its intrigue.

It's probably time in our lives to simplify things when we can. I'm even making an effort to clean storage in the basement and pare down what hasn't been used in the last 10-13 years.  I'm not quite sure where this sterling silver should go and I'm down to just a dozen boxes (from 63) from Hewitt Brothers and 940 Main Street. SO hard to just "throw things away!"  Sadly, GenX has no desire for any stuff from years past. It's understandable but disheartening. I've quilted what memories I can and there are thousands of pictures so I guess I'm the one who must reckon with throwing away the past or donating it to someone else.

It seems it's harder to make decisions as we age.  Things were harder to come by in our "day" and this generation has less appreciation for what was...maybe that's our fault too.

Anyway, it's the end of an era in the pet department at EIEIO. Time for spring cleanup and soon....lawn mowing, one of my favorite things!

Functioning

 Functioning is described as the normal and specific contribution of a bodily part to the economy of a living organism.......to carry on an action!  To date, I am a functioning female human. In other words, I am contributing my bodily parts to the economy of a living organism...this family! It doesn't get more mundane than that!  At nearly 70, I had hoped to be more than just functioning. On the other hand, I should be be ecstatic that I am able to function and all parts are doing their job.  I just didn't realize I would be the main contributor.....for so many!  The sad part is that a person can function in the place between happy and unhappy. That space offers a level of calm and balance. It holds an evenness, a place of moderation that allows one to do their job well while experiencing the dysfunction and unrest that possibly exists in their life. Many folks prefer to just simply exist and accept it.  Many circumstances don't allow for the opportunity to change what is... so they just continue to function.  The entire premise is frankly...sad. I guess it's like the Serenity Prayer simply stating you should be able to accept the things you can't change, change the things you can and be smart enough to know which is which..

This place between happy and unhappy is like floating just above a stream of lava.  It's warm, comfortable and relaxing but you know just one wrong move (not necessarily on your part) will drop you into an unhappy hell that may hold you forever.  I'm vaguely sure that the golden years were touted as more than merely functioning.

I'm not really complaining (ok maybe a little) as some of my decisions are totally on me. I am happy to be able to provide a safe haven for my family, I am happy that I have saved wisely and can offer a modicum of comfort for us all and that our retirement home is in a beautiful spot. We are surrounded by nature in both floral and fauna and a little slice of calm resides here too.

So I guess function is all relative(s). I will be content to reside in this place between happy and unhappy and function to the best of my ability. Life isn't perfect and sadly is short but it sometimes beats the alternative. It does seem blatantly obvious that Form Follows Function (structures are formed in direct correlation to what they are meant to do!)

Passwords123

 Oh my lord, passwords may well be the death of me.  I have a little spiral index notebook that holds my plethora of passwords. They say use something that you'll remember...I barely remember yesterday and from all the evidence I have seen and heard, it's gonna get worse. Don't use your birthday, don't use your anniversary, don't use your families' birthdays, don't use the same password for every website, use numbers and letters, punctuation marks, capitals.....!!!!  Then you get a message that for safety measures, it's time to change your password...seriously? Oh, and then, it really isn't safe to store/save your password on your computer in case it becomes compromised.  Ok, well it really isn't safe or smart to eat chips and dip for dinner and pizza for breakfast but I do it.  What isn't safe, is trying to tell a nearly 70 year old woman what to do.  I have never been known for taking orders and less so for following them.  If I can get the computer, iPad and phone to take me to the website, address or page I want to go to, it's been a really good day. If I can then access the information, Hallelujah!!!!!!!  

Most of us are fortunate to have grandchildren who can navigate the World Wide Web for us but they don't understand the importance of going slowly and showing us how the hell they got there.  If they would show us step by step the first time, we could avoid the under their breath conversation and the subsequent eye-rolls!  I keep saying they'll miss us when we're gone but I don't think that sinks in!  

While rewriting my password notebook for the umpteenth time, (they have no idea how many that is,) pondered writing a description of the site or service as my password.  For instance, Zito Media would be...Zitosucks666 or Verizon ...virtualchats000. Many could use this one...ohhold30minutes, or even..Dothead420 for several.  

More and more I miss the direct audio contact with a real, live person...even if they're idiots.  Virtual help virtually doesn't..........And when I have a password AND a PIN...Well, no flipping way am I going to remember those. 

I have a plan for departure and I have tried to make it easy and painless for whomever is left to clean up  my mess. I have, however, given a great deal of thought to burning my password notebook and letting them try to figure it all out.  But for now, all changes will begin with WTF2020!!

Stuck in the Middle

Mid February is winter hump time.  We're getting kind of sick of the cold, we've had a bit of snow, Santa arrived, Father New Year and Cupid drops in this week-end.  It does stay light until nearly 5:45 which is a mere blessing in itself. It staves off my bedtime by an hour.  There are some good shows on prime time and a few new series that fill in the blanks. I've started watching a new movie every afternoon and always fit in at least an hour of reading.  It's not like my dance card is full!

My vacation is impending...Lee will be off to Florida this week and then it's me time, my time, all the time... Kind of like it always is :-)  Our chickens have been relocated..some to Sempronius and some to heaven..  Bruce will be returning to Burtless Road and Baby hopefully going to Genoa.  Spring will then be time to take down fencing, reseed the lawns and decide on a new use for the barn... I have ideas!!!! I rather enjoy planning....... I still have that caboose for sale swimming in the back of my mind. The perfect pool house it would be!!!!I'd only need a crane and trailer to move it, a dozer to level its new home and a torch to fit in the French doors....doesn't every caboose have French doors?

February usually sucks weather wise but with only 28 days, we'll muddle through...especially knowing that with March, comes spring...on paper.  St Patrick's Day always brings snow and we usually have it in April as well.  At least in those months, it comes and goes quickly. We're over the hump in no time.

For those of us who are not travelers, patience is a virtue. I have almost achieved that virtue and it only took 69 years. What's the rush.  I have a warm house that I love, books that entertain, television shows that teach and friends who help me complete sentences, remember names and ............something else????  It'll soon be time to slide down the other side of the hump and find myself no longer stuck in the middle!