Not my policy, Not my plan, Not my Modus Operandi! This old dog likes her old normal and new tricks are frustrating and a real pain in the ass. New tricks make my head and my heart hurt. I've always been a finder, a fabricator and a fixer. Having issues or wants or needs that I can't fix makes me impotent. Nobody wants that feeling in this stage of their life. (or any for that matter!)
Not only can I not help but it's unwanted and under-appreciated.....and way too far away.
This is a brand new way of life for me and I am finding that my learning curve is bent way out of shape. I'm trying to be positive and do what I can (and should) from afar and sets my sights on a lower level. This was going to be the Year of "Me!" Me in the Outer Banks, me in Florida for a month, Me tending to me. That didn't work out too well. So, I've decided that maybe this will be the Spur of the Moment Year. No plans on, No hands-on.... Just keys, cash and camera....Stay tuned!
Friday, October 18, 2019
Friday, October 11, 2019
Always something worse!
For as much as I have whined and sulked and complained the last few months, I knew in my heart that at least all the crazies were alive to bitch about. You think your problems are gigantic, insurmountable and worse than most everyone else's.
A couple of days ago I realized I was wrong (yep, call Ripleys.) Jeff's work crew was plugging along doing an end of the year project when tragedy struck. Not the whiny kind of daily misfortunes that I've had lately but full-blooded, gut-wrenching tragedies. A coworker was just killed on the job. Just Jeff's age, a Dad and even the same name. Thankfully, Jeff had the sense to immediately inform us that he was "Ok!" A crew of grown men was literally brought to their knees, saddened by a senseless loss and counting their blessings all at the same time.
A reality check for me to say the least. Life popped into view from an entirely different perspective. Small stuff, although senseless and sad, didn't compare with loss. People make life choices and they aren't always what you might have chosen for them. Let it go.....Let them go! These continue to be choices...and to have the option to make choices means you are alive.
Jeff's co-worker no longer has those options.
I do.... Those who care and have risen to the top and the dregs are no longer visible. Things may change in the future and if so, I will accommodate the shift. For now, my heart aches for those no longer able to choose and it remains open to those who can... I will no longer dwell on the negative but live for the positive. For as bad as life is at any particular moment, there is always something worse!
A couple of days ago I realized I was wrong (yep, call Ripleys.) Jeff's work crew was plugging along doing an end of the year project when tragedy struck. Not the whiny kind of daily misfortunes that I've had lately but full-blooded, gut-wrenching tragedies. A coworker was just killed on the job. Just Jeff's age, a Dad and even the same name. Thankfully, Jeff had the sense to immediately inform us that he was "Ok!" A crew of grown men was literally brought to their knees, saddened by a senseless loss and counting their blessings all at the same time.
A reality check for me to say the least. Life popped into view from an entirely different perspective. Small stuff, although senseless and sad, didn't compare with loss. People make life choices and they aren't always what you might have chosen for them. Let it go.....Let them go! These continue to be choices...and to have the option to make choices means you are alive.
Jeff's co-worker no longer has those options.
I do.... Those who care and have risen to the top and the dregs are no longer visible. Things may change in the future and if so, I will accommodate the shift. For now, my heart aches for those no longer able to choose and it remains open to those who can... I will no longer dwell on the negative but live for the positive. For as bad as life is at any particular moment, there is always something worse!
Tuesday, October 8, 2019
Too cool for school?
Well, finally today....Bailee is back in school. Her first day at Oceanway Middle School in Jacksonville is today. I can't imagine moving to a new city, living with new people (and no bed,) going to a new school and meeting all new teachers and classmates. I was anxious each September just starting a new grade in my hometown...
God (and anyone else that would listen) and I have become evening (and sometimes daytime) chat buddies. No worries, I haven't yet heard him speak to me but he has answered a few of my "pleases!"
I've always been more of a planner and doer than a watcher and hoper so the last few weeks have been a struggle for my psyche and my nerves. Just having B in school during the day gives me a modicum of peace for a few hours although a city school in no way compares to what we have in good ole Moravia.
I can only hope and pray that she makes some new, good friends, enjoys her classes and can find a few teachers who she can confide in if the need arises. Hands-off is something way out of my comfort zone but I'm trying! Thankfully this is my favorite time of year and I can occupy my time with "fall"ing into the holidays!
God (and anyone else that would listen) and I have become evening (and sometimes daytime) chat buddies. No worries, I haven't yet heard him speak to me but he has answered a few of my "pleases!"
I've always been more of a planner and doer than a watcher and hoper so the last few weeks have been a struggle for my psyche and my nerves. Just having B in school during the day gives me a modicum of peace for a few hours although a city school in no way compares to what we have in good ole Moravia.
I can only hope and pray that she makes some new, good friends, enjoys her classes and can find a few teachers who she can confide in if the need arises. Hands-off is something way out of my comfort zone but I'm trying! Thankfully this is my favorite time of year and I can occupy my time with "fall"ing into the holidays!
Tuesday, October 1, 2019
Be Still my Heart
Well, my worst nightmare is in full swing and unfortunately, I'm wide awake. I can handle the ones in my sleep where I'm crawling across the road and traffic is coming, I can "dream" through the ones where I still can't remember my locker combination and I'm chastised for the millionth time that this is the last time they will give it to me and I can even plod through having my teeth crumble and fall out....but this is more than I can stomach.
Bailee is gone....she chose to go with a mother who left her behind with no notice, no hug, and no good-bye. I get it..it's her mother....it's also a mother who chose a man over her daughter, sold the only home she had ever known and left her behind. I seriously believe it's the same dilemma battered wives have as they continue to live with abusive men in the worst of situations.
But...this is a 13-year-old mind, which by the way, is far superior to other household members. This girl's emotions have been toyed with for over 3 years...actually 13 as she lived through the trauma of an abusive father, spoke up in court and was victorious in her adolescent rights to not see him. All this girl has ever wanted is "to be a priority in her (Mom) life and live a normal life!" Not too much for a child to ask! She stated so many times that she just wanted everyone to be happy and if she made one happy, someone else was sad. Who puts a child in that situation?
Now, the situation is this. She is 1300 miles away in a city where she knows no one but her mother and her boyfriend. She is living with 7 other people, she has no bedroom, no personal items, and no bed!!! There is no family nearby in case of emergency and believe me the "help calls" have been many when she was 2 minutes away! She is going to a new school, wearing a uniform, riding a bus and meeting new teachers who have no handle on the situation and many overly-tanned classmates. I pray her judgment is intact on who to trust and who to avoid...I have NEVER been so fearful for her well being.
Possibly the scariest words were when I said to her mother, "Please take good care of her," and her reply was...."We will Mom, she's with us!" I know:-(
Blogging drama...sorry folks:-(
Bailee is gone....she chose to go with a mother who left her behind with no notice, no hug, and no good-bye. I get it..it's her mother....it's also a mother who chose a man over her daughter, sold the only home she had ever known and left her behind. I seriously believe it's the same dilemma battered wives have as they continue to live with abusive men in the worst of situations.
But...this is a 13-year-old mind, which by the way, is far superior to other household members. This girl's emotions have been toyed with for over 3 years...actually 13 as she lived through the trauma of an abusive father, spoke up in court and was victorious in her adolescent rights to not see him. All this girl has ever wanted is "to be a priority in her (Mom) life and live a normal life!" Not too much for a child to ask! She stated so many times that she just wanted everyone to be happy and if she made one happy, someone else was sad. Who puts a child in that situation?
Now, the situation is this. She is 1300 miles away in a city where she knows no one but her mother and her boyfriend. She is living with 7 other people, she has no bedroom, no personal items, and no bed!!! There is no family nearby in case of emergency and believe me the "help calls" have been many when she was 2 minutes away! She is going to a new school, wearing a uniform, riding a bus and meeting new teachers who have no handle on the situation and many overly-tanned classmates. I pray her judgment is intact on who to trust and who to avoid...I have NEVER been so fearful for her well being.
Possibly the scariest words were when I said to her mother, "Please take good care of her," and her reply was...."We will Mom, she's with us!" I know:-(
Blogging drama...sorry folks:-(
Thursday, September 26, 2019
Today's the day!
I am NOT a whiner! I abhor drama! I firmly dislike anyone who airs their private challenges on any social media and today I'm a hypocrite!
Yesterday was "National Daughter's Day" declared someone, somewhere! Face Book was stormed by loving parental wishes and cozy, heart-warming photos. I cringed with jealousy at each one. They say you can't choose your family. Wrong! I chose mine and got the highs and lows. I am embarrassed to call her my daughter. There, I've said it. She is weak and has little regard for anything or anyone but her worthless, deadbeat boyfriend. I've heard others talk about their children and their choices. I've wondered how anyone could feel that way about their child much less say it openly. I get it! Loud and clear.
My child, who's actually a 37-year-old adult, sold her home (the only home my granddaughter has ever known,) quit her job and left the state without a goodbye, without leaving any forwarding information, without leaving an insurance card for her child, signing a guardianship agreement with a provision that she "WOULD PAY NO SUPPORT and never contacted her until she finally answered a message from her daughter weeks later.
Now, a call from Mom and OD (short for overdose) has them filling her head with pictures of sandy beaches, ocean waves, warm temperatures and a life of peace and frivolity. SO...who wants to be with Mom, despite the baggage of a dirtball bf who has hauled you from sleep in the middle of the night to buy drugs, brought you along to buy pot, told tales of possibly murdering someone....twice and has declared 3 times ( in hearings) that he has a disability and he can't work.....no car, no license, no job (although brags of one now!..Wait, he told NY courts that he was disabled!!)
So, let's take a bright, almost teen from a positive, structured environment with people who love her and want only the best for her and take her to the "sunshine state" where...when the money stops flowing, will be exactly in the same situation they've always been in.........only 1300 miles away. This rescue mission has been an unmitigated failure and is O-V-E-R! I am old, tired and sad but someone wise once told me that you can't fix stupid. Wise indeed!!
Yesterday was "National Daughter's Day" declared someone, somewhere! Face Book was stormed by loving parental wishes and cozy, heart-warming photos. I cringed with jealousy at each one. They say you can't choose your family. Wrong! I chose mine and got the highs and lows. I am embarrassed to call her my daughter. There, I've said it. She is weak and has little regard for anything or anyone but her worthless, deadbeat boyfriend. I've heard others talk about their children and their choices. I've wondered how anyone could feel that way about their child much less say it openly. I get it! Loud and clear.
My child, who's actually a 37-year-old adult, sold her home (the only home my granddaughter has ever known,) quit her job and left the state without a goodbye, without leaving any forwarding information, without leaving an insurance card for her child, signing a guardianship agreement with a provision that she "WOULD PAY NO SUPPORT and never contacted her until she finally answered a message from her daughter weeks later.
Now, a call from Mom and OD (short for overdose) has them filling her head with pictures of sandy beaches, ocean waves, warm temperatures and a life of peace and frivolity. SO...who wants to be with Mom, despite the baggage of a dirtball bf who has hauled you from sleep in the middle of the night to buy drugs, brought you along to buy pot, told tales of possibly murdering someone....twice and has declared 3 times ( in hearings) that he has a disability and he can't work.....no car, no license, no job (although brags of one now!..Wait, he told NY courts that he was disabled!!)
So, let's take a bright, almost teen from a positive, structured environment with people who love her and want only the best for her and take her to the "sunshine state" where...when the money stops flowing, will be exactly in the same situation they've always been in.........only 1300 miles away. This rescue mission has been an unmitigated failure and is O-V-E-R! I am old, tired and sad but someone wise once told me that you can't fix stupid. Wise indeed!!
Wednesday, September 25, 2019
Seriously, you look fine!
I just don't get the whole big deal about how you look!!! I understand it's great to be clean and neat and have your hair combed and your teeth brushed. I understand the premise that if you look good you feel good and vice versa! But I can tell you unequivocally, we DON'T need to see your photo in the bathroom mirror.....all the time. That is purely a narcissistic obsession. I also don't understand the need to erase your face and paint on a new one. Obviously, I'm not a makeup aficionado,,shocker...but I, for the life of me, can't understand why girls erase the eyebrows and draw on new ones. I had someone say sarcastically, to someone else not long ago, "Nice sneakers"...I wanted to turn and say, "Nice eyebrows!" I can see highlighting them a tad if you're a blond and have light brows or possible snipping a few follicles if you have a uni brow....but a whole new color and shape is stupid and quite frankly a waste of time. Do they really think that enhances their beauty???? My hairdresser often says, "Can I trim some of those long, gray hairs in your brows?" I laugh and agree and am thankful they aren't growing out of my nose or chin.....I guess that's the difference in a 20-30 something regime and a 60-70 regime. Honestly, I'm exhausted after washing my face and brushing my teeth. If the lips get a hint of color, it's in the car and on the way to the funeral or wedding!
Vanity has always been something I kept my sink in and never, ever a virtue I was born with. What you see is what you get....Most likely it won't improve with age so take a look at your girlfriend's Mom and Grandma and see if you think you can handle sleeping with that down the road. Think of all the extra time you could have enjoying life rather than changing what your mirror sees. Seriously, you look fine!
Vanity has always been something I kept my sink in and never, ever a virtue I was born with. What you see is what you get....Most likely it won't improve with age so take a look at your girlfriend's Mom and Grandma and see if you think you can handle sleeping with that down the road. Think of all the extra time you could have enjoying life rather than changing what your mirror sees. Seriously, you look fine!
Thursday, September 5, 2019
She's off!!!
Last, first day of eighth grade for Miss Bailee. Last night's Open House and orientation was great. Some new faces, some older faces but all were smiling faces. Her year will be jam-packed and full of interesting, albeit tough courses. She's taking regents Bio and Algebra! You go, girl... Last year ended on a bit of a rocky note but all was "fixed and completed" and she's in Advanced math and science again. New teachers in Spanish, Bio and Algebra but a great homeroom teacher and motivator is still there! I know she will be successful😉 and I've thrown in a few motivators myself.
This is a big year culminating with a graduation (bridging) ceremony to high school and a class trip to Washington, D.C. I'm a little jealous as I think my favorite class trip.....60+ years ago, was to the Shriner's Circus where I took pictures of Michael Landon and sold them to my classmates. There was an entrepreneurial bone in my little body somewhere!!!
Life certainly was different then. Teachers in their shirts, ties and dresses (although 2 teachers last night wore ties...I was impressed) and we weren't allowed to wear shorts. Phones are allowed in school anytime but during actual teaching times. Our cords didn't quite reach that far. Kids today have 2 beautiful schools to spend their 13+ years in and each is given a laptop computer to use. I went to 5 different buldings in my 13 years! The new STEM classroom even has FIVE brand new, state of the art 3D printers. I was giddy when our teachers wheeled in the AV cart with an overhead projector. No more dusty blackboards or assigned eraser cleanings... Prometheus boards have taken their place and just a tap of a finger brings them to life. WOW!
These technological advances are just every day for these kids. The world is certainly their oyster and they can/will go as far as their ambition takes them. I hope they know how very lucky they are and take advantage of every single resource.
I still have a modicum of disappointment as many still do not (and won't ever) know the beauty in cursive, correct grammar and punctuation skills and where Mongolia is but I guess if they need to know, they can Google it. If Alexa doesn't know, or Siri doesn't know....ask Grandma! She knows everything!!!
This is a big year culminating with a graduation (bridging) ceremony to high school and a class trip to Washington, D.C. I'm a little jealous as I think my favorite class trip.....60+ years ago, was to the Shriner's Circus where I took pictures of Michael Landon and sold them to my classmates. There was an entrepreneurial bone in my little body somewhere!!!
Life certainly was different then. Teachers in their shirts, ties and dresses (although 2 teachers last night wore ties...I was impressed) and we weren't allowed to wear shorts. Phones are allowed in school anytime but during actual teaching times. Our cords didn't quite reach that far. Kids today have 2 beautiful schools to spend their 13+ years in and each is given a laptop computer to use. I went to 5 different buldings in my 13 years! The new STEM classroom even has FIVE brand new, state of the art 3D printers. I was giddy when our teachers wheeled in the AV cart with an overhead projector. No more dusty blackboards or assigned eraser cleanings... Prometheus boards have taken their place and just a tap of a finger brings them to life. WOW!
These technological advances are just every day for these kids. The world is certainly their oyster and they can/will go as far as their ambition takes them. I hope they know how very lucky they are and take advantage of every single resource.
I still have a modicum of disappointment as many still do not (and won't ever) know the beauty in cursive, correct grammar and punctuation skills and where Mongolia is but I guess if they need to know, they can Google it. If Alexa doesn't know, or Siri doesn't know....ask Grandma! She knows everything!!!
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