Me, Me, Me, Me

I have always shied away from folks who were all me, me, me!  I applauded folks who were proud of themselves and their accomplishments but who could do so with being boastful.

I still steer clear but have turned the corner on putting me first.  It only took 67 years and a few months of heartbreak but for the near future, life's going to be about me. ( I could barely type that without cringing!)  Life will be what it will be but I'm going to read more and cry less, relax more and stress less and pray more but expect less. I am responsible for my happiness and life is too freaking short to waste it.

So.........I just booked a house for 35 days in Florida next March.  My rehab!  Lots of room for friends to come and visit, hot tub, heated private pool, king size bed and 3 tv's.....right on a lake. (which in Florida is smaller than most ponds Wendell has built!)  Some of you who know me well, know I'm not really a fan of Florida and I do relish my NY vacay when Lee is in Florida....but I've hiked up my big girl panties and I'm gettin' outa Dodge...he'll be shooting and I'll be floating!   I've always said that this stage in our lives needs to be accompanied by something to look forward to beside aches and pains.  I'm giving it a try.  Christmas will be an austerity holiday this year. Everyone will be getting what they've given...🤯

It's a new me inside with the same OLD outside... I can only do so much!!!!!

Let Us Pray

I saw an amazing movie yesterday...Breakthrough...about a boy who had fallen through the ice and the power of prayer.

I have prayed A LOT the past 9 weeks...Probably more than in the last 67 years. I have not always had as much faith as one should. I'm sure many folks don't. I know my Dad would have told you that he blatantly did not believe in God or any higher power. I'm pretty sure the questioning would happen when anyone loses a child.  It's not the normal progression of how things are supposed to be.  He would tell you he was a faithful hypocrite. He gave more than anyone I have ever known. He gave to the church. He contributed to missions, capital improvements, flowers, ministry etc....but he would not attend and he no longer believed. 

As children, we went to church as a family, we sang in the choir, we joined the youth groups and it was part of our lives.  As adults, we did not.  You absolutely learn what you live and acclimate to the climate of your household. (My children are a testament to that...good and bad!)

For the past few months, I have prayed extra hard. Hands folded, knees bent and tears flowing I have asked for good health, strength, and forgiveness.  I have always prayed! I have asked for things for others and now, a bit guilt-ridden, I am asking for me.  I need wisdom, strength and a selfish return on my investment.  I feel much like the analogy that explains that if your oxygen mask drops on an airplane, you need to first breathe it in so you can then help others.  I need oxygen♥

Yesterday's movie was cathartic, to say the least. Its message was exactly what I needed to hear (and see!)  I know it was a movie and life doesn't totally work as the script was written but being a true story indeed gave folks hope.  I tried to remember that miracles seldom happen but then think...it's a script...that word must be a derivative of the word scripture.  Don't panic...I haven't gone off the deep end and you won't need to call me a "Jesus Freak" but I do believe in the power of prayer.  We got here somehow and for some reason.  I've always been a firm believer in Thank yous.  Whether you are a believer or a skeptic, this movie gives us hope that there really is power in prayer. I gave it a firm 2 thumbs (and 8 fingers) straight up!  I know if you see it, you will too!🙏

Staying Sharp!

Signs of aging for me include loss of name recognition, my hands looking like my grandmother's, my verbal filter has totally left the building, sleeping in my chair,  declaring some friends..... family and some family.....strangers, and my inherited "kind of don't give a shit attitude about what other people think" flourishing!  I guess, for the most part, I'm an average senior citizen.

Another sure sign of aging is reading the AARP magazine when it arrives in my mailbox.  It usually hooks me with a handsome, white-haired, white-bearded senior (male, of course, a white-bearded female would be kind of a turn off) on the cover or a headline that I can immediately relate to...."How to Make your Kids Hate You"...that was a piece of cake.

So, in this month's AARP periodical, is an article on how to stay sharp for life...Unless I've totally lost my mind.... there wasn't one single answer or even clue in the entire article.  It kind of debunked a few old theories but didn't really share any positive tips. Are senior moments signs of dementia?..seldom. Does eating fish contribute to mercury affecting my brain...nope, it's good for you!  Does waking up tired and irritable forebode a shifting from a healthy to impaired brain function...probably..(shit!) Will high cholesterol lead to Alzheimer's...maybe,  Does diabetes decline your verbal memory....sometimes and do antidepressants make you gain weight.... not usually...   Not one of those paragraphs help me stay mentally sharp...unless.......they're hoping that weird seniors actually try and figure out what the hell they're talking about..In that case,  my mental acuity is still sharp enough to realize that their page-filler articles are just a bunch of poppycock. Poppycock...there's the proof in the pudding right there that I'm still tarp as a shack!!!!

"Sions" & "Tions"

The world, including my own, is in the midst of "sions (tions)."   Our governmental world is full of collusion, delusion, confusion, division, diversion, apprehension and aggression.

Sadly, my world is full of confusion, revulsion, expulsion, lack of comprehension and admission... I just wish we all had more compassion, accommodation, education and remediation. 

Most of all, what happened to the affection and why was it replaced by rejection? 

How to love adult children

I've always wanted to write... maybe a book, maybe an article, maybe just my thoughts.  This blog is most likely the closest I will ever come to being a writer.  For several years I deceived myself into believing that my children might one day be interested in what I thought...about anything actually!  I would write my musings every few days and at the end of each year, I'd gather them together through the miracle of technology, have them bound into what I pretended was an actual published work and give it to them as a Christmas gift.  Pretty sure neither of them has picked them up since putting them on a dusty shelf while de-Christmasing! I guess if they don't care what I am doing or thinking now, they certainly won't give a hoot later.  They might pick it up after I pass hoping through the onset of senility I left a few Ben Franklins tucked into a page or two.  Sorry kids, I've decided to spend them on me from now on. 

I really hoped I had shown through my actions that love is unconditional.  I might have been wrong.
Loving adult children is totally a horse of a different color. Thankfully, Jeff is allergic to horses.  Jessica, on the other hand, always wanted a white horse and said if we couldn't find one it was ok...she'd just paint it.  So much for the horse analogy!  You can only show love in so many ways and for so long before the investments become too difficult for the lack of returns. I recently read an article in AARP magazine (sadly) that told the story of one adult child who actually carried two cell phones. He gave everyone  (friends, acquaintances, work, etc) one number and to the other, his mother, he gave the second number.  In this way, if he chose not to converse with Mom at that particular time, he just didn't answer that phone. (This was obviously before the simplified caller ID)  Today, they ( she) just block you on Facebook and don't bother to call at all.  I'm coming to terms with that.  Thankfully, I have one who calls faithfully and never fails to end our calls with, "I Love You!"

Loving adult children shouldn't be a chore.............or a choice.  I am a firm believer that you give what you get. Unconditional is a very broad term.  You can only be knocked down so many times before unconditional becomes unacceptable and unacceptable becomes unbearable.  My only hope is that my grandchildren have equal parts of learning what they live and being able to assess right from wrong while living it.

My hopes are still unconditional and my love is still available!  It shouldn't be so much of a struggle.

One will....One won't

                                          I'd like to think this is what my children would say. 

                                                         One will :-)   ...   One won't :-(

Favorite People

Lip service is a disservice!  Say it if you mean it.  Zip it if you don't!  An insincere gesture is worse than no gesture at all. If you feel it, do it! If you mean it, Say it! I have had interaction with many the past few weeks who are as sincere as any folks I've ever known.  I've also had hours of time with those who are not!  I agree that there may be several different kinds of love.  In fact, in the study of Psychology, there are 7 different kinds of love.  Many are wonderful, sensual and even platonic but more and more folks that I see these days are full of self-love...the most destructive kind.  Please don't confuse self-esteem and self-love...two entirely different packages.  We all suffer hurt and disappointment but our setbacks neither damage us or diminish us. Most of us are instilled with resilience...We are open to growth experiences and relationships and even tolerant of risks. We are quick to be joyful and happy and we are accepting and forgiving of ourselves and those we love.  If we don't possess those qualities, which sometimes are tough to muster, then the love we professed for others....isn't love at all.
So, if you are one of those few folks to whom I've said those three little words, please be keenly aware that I mean them.  For those whom I have obligatorily mouthed them, I apologize....You all know which group you're in! ♥

New beginnings

January 1st is generally the beginning of a new year... I think birthdays are the beginning of a new year so today would be mine.  I have always been a big fan of birthdays and enjoy each and every one... Today is bittersweet but sweet nonetheless.  In the last few weeks, I have learned to be grateful for each and every day. I do believe that life is what you make it but often the circumstances that surround us make it a bit tougher than we anticipated. 
My wonderful friend, Kyle with whom I cooed, cried and pooped in the nursery 67 years ago tomorrow, gave me a book of quotes today.  Each one is appropriate for life with its ups and downs. Abe Lincoln penned: "I have simply tried to do what seemed best each day, as each day came."  Me too. I have wonderful successes and disappointing failures.  I am trying to smile through them all and know that I really did try to do my very best in all aspects of the past 67 years.  I believe I was a good daughter. I tried to do all the things that were required and expected of me with love. I believe I was/am a good wife.  I know I could be kinder and more patient ... I'm still a wife in progress. I believe I was/am a good Mom.  I tried to teach right from wrong, good from bad and being kind versus being a jerk.  Some sunk in, some did not. I believe I am a good Grandma.  I love them both unconditionally and forever.  I will always do what I can for them and hope it's not too much or too little. 
I am slowly learning that what happens in life is often out of my control and not a consequence of something I did wrong.  I am also learning that how I am treated is NOT always fair and not necessarily a product of reaping what I sowed.  Some would never consciously have made the choices they did.....others absolutely do.  Some learn from their weaknesses others continue to destroy with lingering malice. 
Charles Dickens says: "Reflect upon your present blessings - of which every man has many - not on your past misfortunes, of which all men have some." Today I will count my blessings...many of which include some wonderful family members and a spectacular circle of true friends.  You know who you are ♥  Happy Birthday to me!