50 Shades....

It was a bitter cold February afternoon.  In my trench coat, I walked slowly to the theater. "One senior citizen for 50 Shades please!"  The attendant winked as I entered the lobby.  With popcorn in hand, I entered theater # 7..There was a hush! (Of course there was. There were only 3 other elderly perverts in attendance......in their trench coats)  The lights dimmed. I was in time for only one preview but I was thrilled as the one eyed object on the screen was not a minion. The fallout for attending only children's movies for the past 5 years)The feature was beginning. It was suddenly very warm. It didn't take long for shy, frumpily dressed Anastasia to clumsily "fall" (literally) in love ...or lust with Christian....(now there's an oxymoron!) I often found myself holding my breath.  I also quite enjoyed the butter dripping down my chin as I frequently missed my mouth with the heavily lathered kernels. I closed my eyes and winced in pain.  (Crap it was just my vest's zipper pressing marks into my tightly clenched fist.) For a mere second I wondered if there was a Harry Potter commercial as I witnessed rows of broom handles lining the bedroom wall....And there were Christian and Anna gazing deep into each others eyes as he trailed the large feather along her body.  I'm pretty sure that peacock would have been proud to be represented. I needed to use the restroom.  My medium diet coke was pounding in my bladder screaming to be released.  I could not leave....It was as if I were tied to my seat.  Soon the options were few and the red room was history. I made a mad dash....literally ran like hell as people smirked and asked if I had trouble leaving;-)  It was the shortest peewipewash in history. Breathing heavily, I returned to my seat.....little had been missed.  I continued to barely blink for the next 60 minutes.  I never realized counting to six could be so very provocative.  The end was coming ;-)  It was over:-(   If nothing else, I had made one amazing revelation.  I now knew exactly what a "One eyed, one horned flying purple people eater" looked like.... and I liked it!