Slacker

 Haven't penned a thing (but checks) since December. I must not entirely let my brain turn to mush.  Names fail me, words fail me and sometimes what the hell I'm doing fails me but an idle mind is not a good thing in your 70s!

 It seems as though the past couple of months have literally zoomed past me.  My chores are few and not much different than they have been but I seem to be bogged down with a major case of rumination.  It can be terminal if you let it and I have not found an elixir that helps...till now.  Last marking period grades for my "dependent" were awful.  A sheer lack of ambition is the only cause I can nail down. This gal is SOOO smart and it kills me to see the possibility of throwing away what she previously worked so hard for..(I know, I ended a sentence with a preposition!)  As I constantly ruminate about the whys, I constantly ponder the WSSDs (What should Sandy do)  After many cases of rolling eyes, snide remarks, slamming doors and huffy attitudes, I've decided that harping is NOT the answer. It is so disappointing to me that studies are not a priority.  "It's different now...it's not the 60s!"  No kidding... All the things she has, I had....except screens. I'm pretty sure what saved us (the gals of the 60s) was that spiral cord that only reached so far.  And it wasn't tucked away in your bedroom, a bathroom, your car, your classroom or even the living room... It just hung there on the kitchen wall where everyone passed by, everyone could hear and you couldn't take stupid pictures of yourself and share with the world every 5 minutes. Last night she had mere seconds to grab a shot and she snapped a photo of the ceiling...WTH! It wasn't important what she was snapping...just that she got it in in time... I am so confused.

So back to the fix, the elixir.  It most likely will not make things better for her but for me.  Once the epiphany hit me, I immediately felt lighter...literally!  I'm no longer cleaning the empty cans and dirty dishes from her room! laundry is her problem, no work clothes...too bad. Homework not done..her problem. I refuse to worry my way through what little time I might have left. I handle 100% of the household obligations ✔ I see to it that all the bills are promptly paid on time✔ I try to remember to celebrate birthdays, anniversaries, marriages and graduations for all those I care about✔ and I watch and read whatever I want whenever I want.  I am nearly 72 and I can and I will!!!! Attaching worry to all those things will only shorten the days ahead and make them unhappy... I don't have time for unhappy.  

Please don't think that my sassy dependent makes me unhappy all the time.... There is so much more joy than sadness but it is often carrying disappointment too. I can't fix that. That will only come with making mistakes and learning from them. If I could flip my 71 back to 17, I'd work my ass off to get outa Dodge (or Locke.) I'd have stayed in college and pursued what I wanted and not others. Don't get me wrong, I loved almost every experience I ever had after high school... I had a couple of fantastic jobs, traveled a bit, met wonderful guys that will forever be etched in my mind and a few in my heart and did the things that were scripted for the 70s. Maybe not exactly as they were written but close. In retrospect, had I pursued what I wanted, rather than what was expected, I think I might be freer, happier and more content than I am today.  Just sayin'

So, she now has to form her own path, decide what and who goes with her on that path and where exactly she hopes to arrive...That's pretty tough when your frontal lobe has not yet completely formed but generationally, it's been accomplished and hopefully she will will get it done.

So, for now, my chores are mine, her chores are hers and with the help of prayer and hope, a film crew from Hoarders will not pull in the driveway in the near future. Basically, I'm too old for this...period!

Where have I been?

 Where have I been?  A very good question. For the few that even read these ramblings, I have been mothering, grandmothering, Christmasing, shopping, cleaning, book-working and reading....with a little weekend footballing included.  Needless to say, I am ready for Christmas and can sit back a relax...a little. This week is just one special lunch and then next week is jam packed with something every single day...Then Santa arrives!

  On top of the Christmas chaos, it has been college application time.  Bailee applied to St. Bonaventure and Skidmore with Skidmore being her #1 choice. She applied early admission there and rolling admission to ST. Bonaventure.  She was also accepted into 7 different colleges through the Common App.  The only one she chose to apply for was Nazareth in Rochester.  She was accepted at St. Bonaventure 2 weeks ago with a pretty nice Provost Scholarship.  Still, it was her second choice and she was still crossing her fingers for Skidmore.  Their portal opened at 7:00p.m. on 12/7/23!  THAT was a long day. Finally, at 7 p.m., she clicked open the page that held a beautiful acceptance letter and nearly a full ride. We were over the moon and back again!!!!!  The acceptance rate is only 23% so we were a bit skeptical of admittance.  She was also accepted into the Summer Academic Institue!  That begins on graduation week-end and goes through August 3rd.  So much for Trap Nationals in Michigan, graduation parties and summer money!  The opportunity far exceeds those concessions.  The reality is setting in that I only have 6 more months with this girl before she is whisked off to the next phase of her education and life in general.  I am so proud...and SO SAD!  She's already chatting with last year's freshmen and planning her semester abroad and all the things college life entails. Thankfully, her Christmas is comprised of all the things she'll need now sooner than we anticipated.

  Jeff and Jett are firmly entrenched in their barndominion on the hill.  Jeff is working at Borg Warner and his probationary status is up today. Three months in already!  It's sometimes hard to jockey his time with Jett but he spends every second with him that's humanly possible.  They have an amazing bond and are two peas in a pod....

  Bailee takes her driver's test just after the first of the year. She has a car and will then give me a whole new set of fears!  This "mothering" thing at my age is hard on the emotions.  I may need to get into recreational drugs (Valium) and more alcohol intake to just survive!!!

  I guess that brings my readers up to date. I'll get back to you all in 2024. (weren't we supposed to be traveling and/ or living on the moon or Mars by then?)  Hoping you all have a safe, healthy and happy holiday season and gather with all your friends and family!♥

My Semi-annual Words of Wisdom!

 How can it possibly be that I haven't penned my thoughts in 6 months. Obviously, have voiced them regularly so that must have satiated my verbal appetite. (I realize I do not look hungry in any form) 

It's a new year! My year as always begun in September with the renewal of life at home and at school. This will be my last year of MCS in this house. A very sad revelation and one that I thought was over years ago. Thankfully, I got a four year reprieve! I always enjoyed school!! As a student, each new day was exciting. I would get home from school, grab a bite, change my clothes and do homework. The rest of the day and evening were mine to enjoy. Nobody told me I had to do these things, I just knew...and did them. As a parent, I tried to instill this routine in my kids. We all know how that worked. One did enough to get by and the other did zip! Guess who is who? I loved sports but unfortunately lived in a time before Title 9. That left me with intramurals through the school day and cheerleading...period!  Neither of my kids were athletic as one loved anything with a motor and the other loved nothing. Guess who is who?  Fast forward to today! It is a 2 generation skip and being a "parent" again at 71 to a student of 17 is precarious to say the least. They (she) comes home from school and goes directly to her room. She doesn't run into things as she is keenly astute at navigating everything from leaving the car to weaving past furniture and landing directly in her room while never lifting her eyes from her phone. (maybe she's looking at GPS??) Changing her clothes , if she chooses, takes about 8 seconds as there was very little covering very little in the first place. The question of homework is followed by a glaring eyeroll that would screw a normal human (non-teenager) directly into the floor! The snack generally follows and sometimes can be eaten directly from a prior snack that has been fossilizing on a bedside table or desk for an unspecified amount of time. This is all completely normal in 2023.....or so I have been told.

Life is different! I am tired! Senior year awaits. I pick my battles and hope to choose wisely as my stamina and my patience are running neck and neck and will not cross the finish line first. The year will include, college searches, applications, essays, financial aid woes, 7 core, difficult courses along with a part-time job, passing a driver's test, Senior dinner dance, and throw in a trip to Costa Rica and Panama and hopefully an invitation to the nationals in Michigan to shoot! All culminating with graduation!! Thank God my Christmas shopping in mostly complete.

I really am not complaining, too much, and I do have the joys of a 7 year old who makes me laugh, "regrets everything" about 2nd grade and is already addicted to screen time. Thank heaven that his Dad only allows so many minutes per hour and the rest...OUTSIDE. He likes his motorcycles, football and his newest passion is fishing! 

Sevens are definitely wild and we will see where 2024 takes us. Life for a 7, 17 and 71 year old are just a wee bit different. Stay tuned...

Nom De Plume

 I have never yearned to be anonymous....till now.  Today, and possibly in the future, I.M. Tired is the author of this blog.

Fatigue, disappointment, futility, exploited......just a few words to describe my latest emotional state. I don't believe that everyone is purposefully in the exploited category but possibly I've lumped them there for lack of a better adjective.

In this family, I handle the "lys!" Logistically, financially, emotionally, physically and even proactively! 

                                                                                                                     I.M. Tired

Unforeseen circumstances creep up in most every family unit.  We often don't see them but in today's world of social media we often hear about them. Illnesses, accidents, break-ups...innumerable hardships are shared with the world. Some earth shattering, some life changing and some are just unhappy with the cost of eggs. Some complain about the tribulations of parenting and their lack of sleep and some have unbearable financial woes while showing off their latest manicure. Hypocrisy and entitlement are alive and well. Some don't even realize they're the poster-children of these two rapidly growing sections of today's community.

I probably should just stop reading social media. Mostly it's depressing, angering and upsetting.

                                                                                                                    I.M. Tired

I am convinced that much of my angst is due to age. It is indeed true that you can have it all and still have nothing. I am unconditionally grateful for all that I have!  I am not hungry (obviously.) I am not cold (bodily.) I am not physically uncomfortable (minus age related creeks, cracks and limitations.) I have wonderful friends and a small handful of amazing relatives. I have the majority of my mind in tact and the freedom to speak it freely... this has never been an issue. With all of these positive things, I am the most unhappy I have been in my nearly 71 years:-(

                                                                                                                    I.M. Tired

My Golden years are tarnished and I'm not quite sure how...or if.... getting the shine back is something achievable.  I have the means but not sure I have the ability.  I have the desire but not fortitude.  

                                                                                                                    I.M. Tired

 I can't believe I haven't blogged in a few months.  It's extremely cathartic and keeps my spelling and grammar skills polished...actually Face Book does that as I almost always find some way to correct those who have no idea they're actually murdering the King's English. Some don't catch it, some don't know it and some don't care!  It always makes me chuckle to see an educator use your instead of you're and it is done a lot (which by the way is two words!)

Anyway, I digress!  The last few months have been busy both physically and mentally.  Every day seems to be mentally busy...birthdays, holidays, every day!  Being the grandmother of a teenager is not an easy task. It's tough at 40 and even tougher at 70.  I have had to acquiesce to the fact that much is done differently in the 20s than it s was a few decades ago.  I struggle with this!  How is it even remotely right that girls can go to school with only part of their upper torso covered and holes in their jeans that cost twice as much as they should with only half as much material. Mind boggling.  

The world of the 2020s is filled with shortcuts.  Words seem to be obsolete and replaced by letters only. TBH, I totally struggle reading some texts. IDK if it's a matter of being lazy or just a new language. Sometimes I want to reply to a questioning text by just typing IDFK....I would think it was funny and she would find it totally acceptable and maybe not even see the irony. There are times when she actually wants to chat with me, in person, one on one...especially if she has T,,,which I finally figured out has nothing to do with hot water, a cup and a tea bag and everything to do with gossip. One of my biggest pet peeves is who exactly I am in her eyes.  I'm "girl", "bestsie" and sometimes "bruh" but that's more Jett's vernacular. I am still waiting for Grandma. Gram even Granny!

I'm probably the only grandma that has to include in her nightly prayers (which btw, take about 10 minutes now) to please give her granddaughter more ambition and less attitude. I wonder how God handled teenagers..  ironically rhetorical as that is what Bailee is studying now in Advanced English, rhetoric not God!

As spring approaches, newer changes are taking place.  Prom dresses I would choose are not what she has in mind. "A slutty good girl" is her perception of attire for the prom. I don't like strapless, she doesn't like "straps!" Not having boobs handles that one. We collectively decided that it's her prom, her money and her choice.  Details to follow.   Also this spring is a huge European trip to Spain and Portugal.  Children from Very Small Town, USA should be taught a course in You're not in Kansas anymore Dorothy. I can only cross my fingers that the 3 very competent chaperones will keep a close eye on the group that's literally leaving the nest, the tree and the humans who have literally fed them for the past 16 years. Once again, my prayers get longer!

We're now at mid-term of the Junior year and regents are upon us and the reality of only one more year of HS until they must make often life changing decisions.  Hopefully, it will soon hit them that grades matter (financially if not educationally,) they may not soon be actually residing with their lifetime fixer and Great Grandpa may have ultimately been right when he said, "You're judged by the company you keep!"

I will be waiting for the first text from college that ends with YWFR!!! (You Were Fucking Right)

Go With the Flow

 I always thought I was a "go with the flow" kinda gal. When I was a child, I'd go where I was supposed to, say the things I was supposed to, color in the lines, respect my elders and get the best possible grades!  When I was a teenager, I'd keep up my grades, continue to respect my elders (which included teachers,) keep my curfews, enjoy my friends (old and new) and tow the line while trying not to go with the (wrong) flow! As a young adult , I enjoyed the random cigarette after a few Rolling Rocks and paced myself so I didn't follow the flow in the wrong direction or jump into the entirely unacceptable new body of water.  Next I became a wife and Mom. I really should have put more thought into that one.  I purposely became Mom to 2 kids.  During their childhoods, they were pretty great.  One boy first, then a girl and the dog and the hamster and the little league and the dance classes and all the things that this flow was supposed to contain. We had it all but the picket fence.  As they became teens, I tried to stay in the same stream. Motocross racing consumed much of our lives but he was soooo good and I was sooo proud. 

Fast forward to failed marriages, poor partner choices on each of their parts and the flow of disappointment began!  But still...I tried to go with the flow, however murky and crooked it became. After all, wasn't that my job? 3 weddings, three divorces... this appeared to be more like going down shit creek without a paddle than going with the flow.  To top it off, I was continuing to get older.....a lot older.

Then my Dad  died :-( The saddest event of my life to that point. Thankfully, it was just as he had hoped...fast and relatively painless...a matter of hours!  The next few years were filled with emotional (both happy and sad) ups and downs. The river was "rapidly" changing.  We built a new house, Mom died a slow, forgetful death, My daughter made horrendous choices, my son began battling a debilitating illness and I ended up navigating these waters alone.  Only one oar makes the trip a lot tougher.  

Now, my son is healthy, my granddaughter lives with us and we're in the thralls of another construction project. Going with the flow with a teenager requires patience, large deep breaths, random moments of solitude and a life jacket. The life jacket has been particularly necessary the last few weeks and has been keeping me afloat.  Just when I think the waters have calmed, a new wave approaches and I tread water awhile while I'm mentally accepting the new direction.  

I'm pretty sure that old age wasn't exactly scripted this way but my options are few and I'm still hoping the journey will be a positive one for most of us.  My bucket list never included wild water rafting but I'm seeing where the bucket might just bail me out. 

Please God, Let me "Go with the Flow!🙏

A Decade of Difference

 It's been just a bit too long between posts but here I am. My Happy New Year. Always thought the year began in September when the kids were back in school and we returned to some semblance of order and routine. I'm always shamed when I say my favorite day of the week is Monday. Seriously, that's the day of order in my court!

 Today was Bailee's first day of 11th grade... Yikes. Not entirely how I thought my senior years would be but we're figuring it out....by we, I mean me!  Eye rolling, door slamming, sarcasm and the like are all part of the teen years...so they say. I really don't remember me doing those things but that was nearly 55 years ago and I can't remember if I brushed my teeth this morning!

 I probably am a little overbearing and look at life a little bit differently than a 16 year old but my perspective is juuuuust a little bit of a contrast than hers!  I try to see the bigger picture; the college years, the finances and the future while Bailee sees...TODAY and possibly a hint of tomorrow! It most likely has to do with the fact that a 70 year old's future holds a bit precarious. 

 On the other hand, we have a 6 year old who is just entering first grade tomorrow as a seasoned student. This will be his 5th year in a school room setting.  He's pretty much over 1-2-3 and A-B-C! It takes time to write neatly and color in the lines so a priority for these tasks isn't in the cards...yet!  He was (actually, I was) filling out a a paper that his new teacher sent him to tell her a little about himself.  He likes math, his favorite subject however; is gym. His hope for 1st grade is that his teacher will like him....Seriously, who in their right mind wouldn't? (says his Grandma who believes he is the most handsome kid in 1st grade and a genius!) 

 Regardless of the decade of difference between my two grands, they both have the ability and potential to be a success. I may not get to see the finished product but I know the ingredients are there!