Haven't penned a thing (but checks) since December. I must not entirely let my brain turn to mush. Names fail me, words fail me and sometimes what the hell I'm doing fails me but an idle mind is not a good thing in your 70s!
It seems as though the past couple of months have literally zoomed past me. My chores are few and not much different than they have been but I seem to be bogged down with a major case of rumination. It can be terminal if you let it and I have not found an elixir that helps...till now. Last marking period grades for my "dependent" were awful. A sheer lack of ambition is the only cause I can nail down. This gal is SOOO smart and it kills me to see the possibility of throwing away what she previously worked so hard for..(I know, I ended a sentence with a preposition!) As I constantly ruminate about the whys, I constantly ponder the WSSDs (What should Sandy do) After many cases of rolling eyes, snide remarks, slamming doors and huffy attitudes, I've decided that harping is NOT the answer. It is so disappointing to me that studies are not a priority. "It's different now...it's not the 60s!" No kidding... All the things she has, I had....except screens. I'm pretty sure what saved us (the gals of the 60s) was that spiral cord that only reached so far. And it wasn't tucked away in your bedroom, a bathroom, your car, your classroom or even the living room... It just hung there on the kitchen wall where everyone passed by, everyone could hear and you couldn't take stupid pictures of yourself and share with the world every 5 minutes. Last night she had mere seconds to grab a shot and she snapped a photo of the ceiling...WTH! It wasn't important what she was snapping...just that she got it in in time... I am so confused.
So back to the fix, the elixir. It most likely will not make things better for her but for me. Once the epiphany hit me, I immediately felt lighter...literally! I'm no longer cleaning the empty cans and dirty dishes from her room! laundry is her problem, no work clothes...too bad. Homework not done..her problem. I refuse to worry my way through what little time I might have left. I handle 100% of the household obligations ✔ I see to it that all the bills are promptly paid on time✔ I try to remember to celebrate birthdays, anniversaries, marriages and graduations for all those I care about✔ and I watch and read whatever I want whenever I want. I am nearly 72 and I can and I will!!!! Attaching worry to all those things will only shorten the days ahead and make them unhappy... I don't have time for unhappy.
Please don't think that my sassy dependent makes me unhappy all the time.... There is so much more joy than sadness but it is often carrying disappointment too. I can't fix that. That will only come with making mistakes and learning from them. If I could flip my 71 back to 17, I'd work my ass off to get outa Dodge (or Locke.) I'd have stayed in college and pursued what I wanted and not others. Don't get me wrong, I loved almost every experience I ever had after high school... I had a couple of fantastic jobs, traveled a bit, met wonderful guys that will forever be etched in my mind and a few in my heart and did the things that were scripted for the 70s. Maybe not exactly as they were written but close. In retrospect, had I pursued what I wanted, rather than what was expected, I think I might be freer, happier and more content than I am today. Just sayin'
So, she now has to form her own path, decide what and who goes with her on that path and where exactly she hopes to arrive...That's pretty tough when your frontal lobe has not yet completely formed but generationally, it's been accomplished and hopefully she will will get it done.
So, for now, my chores are mine, her chores are hers and with the help of prayer and hope, a film crew from Hoarders will not pull in the driveway in the near future. Basically, I'm too old for this...period!
