We have a teenager!

Birthday weekend...complete! We began with a movie on Friday night followed by a Roadhouse dinner. Saturday began with shopping and ended with a little local culture enjoying Fiddler On The Roof Jr. at the Jr.-Sr. High School. Bailee's friend, Chris stole the show and was rich in talent.  Bedtime began with being 12 and waking up Sunday morning 13.  The Buffalo Bills won for Grandma but the Dolphins flopped for B. Oh well!! Sunday dinner was a giant 3-foot sub, soup, fruit and cake, and ice cream.  A pretty fun weekend♥

Next week brings another, slightly older, birthday followed by Thanksgiving, turkey and ornaments.  It will be fun to sit with the grands and watch the Macy's Thanksgiving Day parade. A bit of a tradition for Bailee and me that we'll share with Jett this year!

We're taking one day at a time around here. Some days are tougher than others but we have each other and we'll survive.

Peaches

I never really liked peaches.  Never liked old peaches, canned peaches, fresh peaches, peach cobbler, peach jello or peach melba (although I did have an Aunt Melba that I quite liked.) And I am absolutely 100% certain that I don't like imPeachment. First, let me say that I don't adore everything about our president.  He's a little mouthy and outspoken although I can relate to that and he spends way too much time on social media....(having a houseful of addicted screen people, I dislike it more every day.)  With that being said, I quite like many things about our president and the past few years.  The Dow seems to grow exponentially under his leadership. I begrudgingly agree with a lot of his immigration thoughts. I love that he takes no salary!  I think the First Lady is loyal, intelligent, beautiful and classy. I do not believe that our foreign policies are any different than they have been for decades..we just hear and see more about them. I firmly believe that we support other nations far too much and ours far too little...although I understand give and take and peace and war.

The one thing I do not understand is Democrats. I have never seen such a hypocritical group of self-serving asses.  I'm pretty sure the entire group couldn't list ten major or even minor accomplishments that they have achieved in the past 3 years....forget prior to that for now. So much energy into getting rid of someone who just plain pisses them off.....and whom they just can't seem to control.  So much money spent on productions that even the jerks in Hollywood couldn't pull off. 

Nixon quit! Andrew Johnson and Slick Willie were impeached but never removed from office.  Even if the House garners a simple majority, the final stage must be the Senate.  Hello, the Republicans won't allow that 2/3 majority.  This entire fiasco is moot!  Regardless if you like Trump or you don't...he's the president and the decision to keep him or heave him belongs with the American voting public.

Needless to say, I watched very few minutes of yesterday's hearing.  All I can say is "hearsay!"  Whatever happened to having directly heard something to be deemed "evidence!" Once again...it's hogwash.  I'm not blindly against all democrats....just the ones who like peaches!

Veteran's Day

It really is a special day to honor all of our servicemen and women. I am thankful for my relatives who were veterans and actually thankful that some couldn't or didn't have to. My Dad's eyesight actually kept him out of the service, Lee's number was never pulled and Jeff grew up in a time of voluntary service.

As I think about the words veteran and war, I wonder if most every person today isn't a veteran of some kind of war. It might be a very personal internal war, a family war, an addictive war, a tragedy or just sometimes a war of words.  The battles are real and the outcomes are often deadly.  Each of us loses a little (sometimes a lot) in each of our battles. It's often family members, communication, even a big piece of our heart or happiness can be lost. 

PTSD is often diagnosed in folks who have never set foot on a foreign battlefield. It doesn't distinguish between women or men, young or old and often never goes away...you just learn to live with it and avoid triggers.

So today is a day for everyone....not just veterans of the military but for those whose personal battles rage in their everyday life.  Our thanks to all who have served in our military, who have fought for our literal and figurative freedom and to those who continue to brave their own battles.  Today is for everyone!

Thirty Days

Well, here we are..November first! We made it through another month on this crazy roller-coaster.  I have never wished away time but I'll be glad to see 2020 roll in and 2019 be far behind us in the rearview mirror.  I might even stay awake until midnight on New Year's eve and give it a couple of whoop whoops!

As I've been reflecting on the past 304 days, I have learned that every family has its dysfunction.  That has been a bit comforting while also a bit disconcerting.  I could probably search for answers but they'd undoubtedly end up being more excuses than answers.  My children have made less than stellar decisions.....each culminating in losses...huge losses.  One has learned from them..one has not.  Helplessly I stand by to pick up the pieces and try to reconstruct the shattered souls....and shattered they are!  Bailee always likes to hear my prayers at night. Especially the part about "helping to make me "Elmers!"  She's a smart cookie and she put those words together understanding that I hoped to be the glue! I will continue to work on it as best I can. 

November is a month of celebrations. I hope we can make it a drama-free month of birthdays, hunting and Thanksgiving.  Simple things make for simple smiles.  That's really all I ask for these days.  I will try to be more thankful than regretful (not sure that's a word.)  Facebook usually has a WIATF challenge and I will join in.... Sometimes we just need a little nudge to help us remember!

....And of course, Christmas is only 54 days away.... That'll help!

Oh Christmas tree, tree, tree, tree!

For as much as I love tradition, I enjoy something new to decorate.  I've been trying to clean out the storage room and get down to one tote per holiday...yeah right!  I have taken more decorations than I can fathom to the Thrift Shop.  This upcoming Christmas will be another different day.  We seem to adjust and readjust each year... Family members added ...............and subtracted.  I was feeling a bit sorry for myself thinking that this holiday would be three of us (adults) waking up and hopefully four for dinner... My tables are so much fun for me but cooking and decorating for 3 adults and possibly no children was, to say the least, depressing. 

Then B came home!  Not the frivolity and excitement has returned.  Her monogrammed snow boots won't sit in the closet, her ornaments will adorn the tree and even the Elf on the Shelf will return (I hope.)  Marvy appears more for my amusement but he's still a welcomed tradition and with Jett being here more, he'll enjoy it too.

So, it's always one big, beautiful tree adorned with ornaments old and new...Not this year... I think a celebration is in order and everyone should have their Very Own Tree!!!!  You want purple lights? you get purple lights. You want Harry Potter or rainbow coalition..you get it!!!!  You want guns and ammo...welllll..OK!!  I want plaid and trucks...yep. So, I just lack one tree! This week-end everyone gets to choose their decorations and it'll happen!

With presents purchased and wrapping complete, these are the fun things I have lots of time to "make happen!"  Our annual tradition of Thanksgiving ornaments will be complemented with their individual tree trimmings too.

Let the holidays begin.  Oh Christmas Tree♥♥♥♥

Day by Day

With a full moon, the tides will turn and turn they did.  Yesterday morning a joyous delivery was made.  Bailee was back HOME!  Not a pretty drive or pretty transportation but the package was amazing.

Hopefully, this is the end of back and forth and the sad realization that priorities are often not what we'd like them to be. Normal as in beauty and a multitude of other depictions is definitely in the eyes (and mind) of the beholder.  We're taking our new normal day by day.  Today we're back to what I hope will be an extended stretch of OK! I can only provide the ingredients to stability and security and stir in huge doses of love and guidance. My cooking skills are hopefully better in this department than the kitchen.

I will do what I can when I can and for as long as I can to make this house a place to be happy, healthy, secure and loved.  I know there will be trials and tribulations and ups and downs. We'll all ride it out together and hope we don't "fall off!"  I never professed to be the consummate parent or grandparent (obviously) but I'll do my best to be what everyone here needs!

I'm looking forward to birthdays, Thanksgiving, Christmas, graduations and all the joys that beckon from school, family and beyond! Lord help me to stay sane and do what is best. I know you've heard from me more in the last year than the prior 66 but I knew you'd be there when I needed you! Don't fail me now..I'm old and I need ya!

Hands Off :-(

Not my policy, Not my plan, Not my Modus Operandi!  This old dog likes her old normal and new tricks are frustrating and a real pain in the ass.  New tricks make my head and my heart hurt. I've always been a finder, a fabricator and a fixer. Having issues or wants or needs that I can't fix makes me impotent. Nobody wants that feeling in this stage of their life. (or any for that matter!)

Not only can I not help but it's unwanted and under-appreciated.....and way too far away.

This is a  brand new way of life for me and I am finding that my learning curve is bent way out of shape.  I'm trying to be positive and do what I can (and should) from afar and sets my sights on a lower level. This was going to be the Year of "Me!" Me in the Outer Banks, me in Florida for a month, Me tending to me.  That didn't work out too well. So, I've decided that maybe this will be the Spur of the Moment Year. No plans on, No hands-on.... Just keys, cash and camera....Stay tuned!

Always something worse!

For as much as I have whined and sulked and complained the last few months, I knew in my heart that at least all the crazies were alive to bitch about.  You think your problems are gigantic, insurmountable and worse than most everyone else's.

A couple of days ago I realized I was wrong (yep, call Ripleys.) Jeff's work crew was plugging along doing an end of the year project when tragedy struck.  Not the whiny kind of daily misfortunes that I've had lately but full-blooded, gut-wrenching tragedies.  A coworker was just killed on the job.  Just Jeff's age, a Dad and even the same name.  Thankfully, Jeff had the sense to immediately inform us that he was "Ok!" A crew of grown men was literally brought to their knees, saddened by a senseless loss and counting their blessings all at the same time.

A reality check for me to say the least.  Life popped into view from an entirely different perspective.  Small stuff, although senseless and sad, didn't compare with loss.  People make life choices and they aren't always what you might have chosen for them. Let it go.....Let them go!  These continue to be choices...and to have the option to make choices means you are alive. 

Jeff's co-worker no longer has those options. 

I do.... Those who care and have risen to the top and the dregs are no longer visible.  Things may change in the future and if so, I will accommodate the shift. For now, my heart aches for those no longer able to choose and it remains open to those who can... I will no longer dwell on the negative but live for the positive.  For as bad as life is at any particular moment, there is always something worse!

Too cool for school?

Well, finally today....Bailee is back in school.  Her first day at Oceanway Middle School in Jacksonville is today.  I can't imagine moving to a new city, living with new people (and no bed,) going to a new school and meeting all new teachers and classmates.  I was anxious each September just starting a new grade in my hometown...

God (and anyone else that would listen) and I have become evening (and sometimes daytime) chat buddies. No worries, I haven't yet heard him speak to me but he has answered a few of my "pleases!"
I've always been more of a planner and doer than a watcher and hoper so the last few weeks have been a struggle for my psyche and my nerves. Just having B in school during the day gives me a modicum of peace for a few hours although a city school in no way compares to what we have in good ole Moravia.

I can only hope and pray that she makes some new, good friends, enjoys her classes and can find a few teachers who she can confide in if the need arises. Hands-off is something way out of my comfort zone but I'm trying! Thankfully this is my favorite time of year and I can occupy my time with "fall"ing into the holidays!

Be Still my Heart

Well, my worst nightmare is in full swing and unfortunately, I'm wide awake.  I can handle the ones in my sleep where I'm crawling across the road and traffic is coming, I can "dream" through the ones where I still can't remember my locker combination and I'm chastised for the millionth time that this is the last time they will give it to me and I can even plod through having my teeth crumble and fall out....but this is more than I can stomach.

Bailee is gone....she chose to go with a mother who left her behind with no notice, no hug, and no good-bye. I get it..it's her mother....it's also a mother who chose a man over her daughter, sold the only home she had ever known and left her behind.  I seriously believe it's the same dilemma battered wives have as they continue to live with abusive men in the worst of situations.

But...this is a 13-year-old mind, which by the way, is far superior to other household members. This girl's emotions have been toyed with for over 3 years...actually 13 as she lived through the trauma of an abusive father, spoke up in court and was victorious in her adolescent rights to not see him.  All this girl has ever wanted is "to be a priority in her (Mom) life and live a normal life!"  Not too much for a child to ask!  She stated so many times that she just wanted everyone to be happy and if she made one happy, someone else was sad.  Who puts a child in that situation?

Now, the situation is this. She is 1300 miles away in a city where she knows no one but her mother and her boyfriend. She is living with 7 other people, she has no bedroom, no personal items, and no bed!!! There is no family nearby in case of emergency and believe me the "help calls" have been many when she was 2 minutes away!  She is going to a new school, wearing a uniform, riding a bus and meeting new teachers who have no handle on the situation and many overly-tanned classmates. I pray her judgment is intact on who to trust and who to avoid...I have NEVER been so fearful for her well being.

Possibly the scariest words were when I said to her mother, "Please take good care of her," and her reply was...."We will Mom, she's with us!"   I know:-(

Blogging drama...sorry folks:-(

Today's the day!

I am NOT a whiner! I abhor drama!  I firmly dislike anyone who airs their private challenges on any social media and today I'm a hypocrite!
Yesterday was "National Daughter's Day" declared someone, somewhere!  Face Book was stormed by loving parental wishes and cozy, heart-warming photos.  I cringed with jealousy at each one. They say you can't choose your family. Wrong! I chose mine and got the highs and lows.  I am embarrassed to call her my daughter.  There, I've said it.  She is weak and has little regard for anything or anyone but her worthless, deadbeat boyfriend.  I've heard others talk about their children and their choices. I've wondered how anyone could feel that way about their child much less say it openly.  I get it!  Loud and clear.

My child, who's actually a 37-year-old adult, sold her home (the only home my granddaughter has ever known,) quit her job and left the state without a goodbye, without leaving any forwarding information, without leaving an insurance card for her child, signing a guardianship agreement with a provision that she "WOULD PAY NO SUPPORT  and never contacted her until she finally answered a message from her daughter weeks later.

Now,  a call from Mom and OD (short for overdose) has them filling her head with pictures of sandy beaches, ocean waves, warm temperatures and a life of peace and frivolity. SO...who wants to be with Mom, despite the baggage of a dirtball bf who has hauled you from sleep in the middle of the night to buy drugs, brought you along to buy pot, told tales of possibly murdering someone....twice and has declared 3 times ( in hearings) that he has a disability and he can't work.....no car, no license, no job (although brags of one now!..Wait, he told NY courts that he was disabled!!)

So, let's take a bright, almost teen from a positive, structured environment with people who love her and want only the best for her and take her to the "sunshine state" where...when the money stops flowing, will be exactly in the same situation they've always been in.........only 1300 miles away.  This rescue mission has been an unmitigated failure and is O-V-E-R!   I am old, tired and sad but someone wise once told me that you can't fix stupid. Wise indeed!!

Seriously, you look fine!

I just don't get the whole big deal about how you look!!!  I understand it's great to be clean and neat and have your hair combed and your teeth brushed. I understand the premise that if you look good you feel good and vice versa!  But I can tell you unequivocally, we DON'T need to see your photo in the bathroom mirror.....all the time.  That is purely a narcissistic obsession.   I also don't understand the need to erase your face and paint on a new one.  Obviously, I'm not a makeup aficionado,,shocker...but I, for the life of me, can't understand why girls erase the eyebrows and draw on new ones.  I had someone say sarcastically, to someone else not long ago, "Nice sneakers"...I wanted to turn and say, "Nice eyebrows!"  I can see highlighting them a tad if you're a blond and have light brows or possible snipping a few follicles if you have a uni brow....but a whole new color and shape is stupid and quite frankly a waste of time.  Do they really think that enhances their beauty???? My hairdresser often says, "Can I trim some of those long, gray hairs in your brows?"  I laugh and agree and am thankful they aren't growing out of my nose or chin.....I guess that's the difference in a 20-30 something regime and a 60-70 regime.  Honestly, I'm exhausted after washing my face and brushing my teeth.  If the lips get a hint of color, it's in the car and on the way to the funeral or wedding!

Vanity has always been something I kept my sink in and never, ever a virtue I was born with. What you see is what you get....Most likely it won't improve with age so take a look at your girlfriend's Mom and Grandma and see if you think you can handle sleeping with that down the road.  Think of all the extra time you could have enjoying life rather than changing what your mirror sees.  Seriously, you look fine!

She's off!!!

Last, first day of eighth grade for Miss Bailee.  Last night's Open House and orientation was great. Some new faces, some older faces but all were smiling faces.  Her year will be jam-packed and full of interesting, albeit tough courses.  She's taking regents Bio and Algebra!  You go, girl... Last year ended on a bit of a rocky note but all was "fixed and completed" and she's in Advanced math and science again. New teachers in Spanish, Bio and Algebra but a great homeroom teacher and motivator is still there! I know she will be successful😉 and I've thrown in a few motivators myself.

This is a big year culminating with a graduation (bridging) ceremony to high school and a class trip to Washington, D.C.  I'm a little jealous as I think my favorite class trip.....60+ years ago, was to the Shriner's Circus where I took pictures of Michael Landon and sold them to my classmates. There was an entrepreneurial bone in my little body somewhere!!!

Life certainly was different then.  Teachers in their shirts, ties and dresses (although 2 teachers last night wore ties...I was impressed) and we weren't allowed to wear shorts. Phones are allowed in school anytime but during actual teaching times.  Our cords didn't quite reach that far.  Kids today have 2 beautiful schools to spend their 13+ years in and each is given a laptop computer to use.  I went to 5 different buldings in my 13 years! The new STEM classroom even has FIVE brand new, state of the art 3D printers.  I was giddy when our teachers wheeled in the AV cart with an overhead projector.  No more dusty blackboards or assigned eraser cleanings... Prometheus boards have taken their place and just a tap of a finger brings them to life.  WOW!

These technological advances are just every day for these kids. The world is certainly their oyster and they can/will go as far as their ambition takes them. I hope they know how very lucky they are and take advantage of every single resource.

I still have a modicum of disappointment as many still do not (and won't ever) know the beauty in cursive, correct grammar and punctuation skills and where Mongolia is but I guess if they need to know, they can Google it.  If Alexa doesn't know, or Siri doesn't know....ask Grandma! She knows everything!!!

Peace (and quiet)

Seriously, that's all I want at this stage of my existence.  I want to distance myself from drama and chaos and I don't want to be a factor of either.  I could live alone in a room with windows, a fridge,  TV,  my Kindle, and a toilet!  That sounds a lot like a nursing home room (sans the fridge.)   I don't want a roommate! I prefer to smell my own excrement!  I could live in my little cottage behind the house and be quite content.  Of course, if I no longer know my name...or yours, I may need someone to randomly check on me, take out the garbage and replenish my supply of toilet paper.  I'm hoping I'll be friendly when you pop in and not throw a can of Vienna sausages at you or shoot you with my Nerf gun.  A real gun would be as useless as the letter "H" in yeah!  I'm a horrible shot and even at short distances have been known to have squirrels on a feeder in stitches.

Until the time that this scenario becomes a reality, I am content reading, planning for the next holiday or birthday, watching mindless television and laughing with friends wherever we go. I enjoy my grandkids and I hope I contribute, even minutely, to their knowledge and well-being!  I do enjoy my own schedule but generally, adapt to things changing... as long as it doesn't interrupt my football! On Sundays at noon...don't call or stop in...just plain don't do it!  If you're having a party or gathering that you would enjoy me attending, do it on a Saturday.  I'm flexible for college ball!

Soon it will be fall and my favorite time of the year will be upon us. Most folks like spring with all things being re-born....nope not me.. I'm the crotchety old lady that enjoys the crumpling leaves and the colors associated, welcomes the chillier weather and wraps her Christmas presents in September.  I like the peace of kids back in school and the quiet of living at EIEIO. I really don't ask for much!

Overdue

Yep...way past my usual blogging hiatus.  I seriously need to pen my thoughts but not sure the world wants to hear them.  Not even my closest pals need to be depressed along with me and believe you me, you'd be depressed!

I read somewhere once where some animals eat their young. I get it!!!!  When you have children, you virtually agree to give up your "way of life" for them. You especially do that when you sign a paper and agree to love, educate, instill goodness and kindness and protect them!   I have always jockeyed around the ideas and ideals of nurture versus nature.  Let me just explain that they both suck.  I did my best at the nurture part as the nature part was predestined.... or so I thought.  I have proof positive that you learn what you live BUT......................when you change environments, that can drastically change too.  You're learning new stuff so you adapt to your surroundings and those within it! (Not always a good thing!)

I could write a book!  In fact, I think I will begin to write some tales in the very near future. It won't be a bestseller or a how-to! It probably won't be a work of fiction because truly folks, you can't make this shit up!  Stay tuned and I may possibly throw a few excerpts your way.... that is if I don't throw them all AWAY! 

My journals alone, if not burned at my demise, will definitely leave my family (or friends) shaking their heads.  I hope they love me now because I'm pretty sure they'll scorn me when I'm gone!

Stay tuned!

So long since..........

So long since I've blogged...My mind has run out of storage. my data is maxed out and I'm running on safety mode for charging. I always thought that my senior years would be relaxing, uneventful and maybe even a tad boring... Not! 

I'm tired, stressed, grumpier than usual and sad. A whole lot of things I don't want to be and I'm having trouble controlling. Life was so much easier when you could tell your kids what to do, when to do it and why it was important.  As adults, at least physically, they are less steerable!  I still believe it's my responsibility to be their GPS (Guiding Parental Stimulation!)  One listens, learns and appreciates. One rebels, rejects and ignores! So many roads to travel with no destination ahead.  I will continue to do what I can for those who appreciate and be there for the littles who may be lost along the way. My heart breaks for the troubled journey that each will endure but I may just go off my beaten path and take a few side trips for myself.

Happy trails to me!!

The Two Types of Blue Moons

There are two definitions commonly used today:

• Seasonal Blue Moon: The extra full Moon that occurs within a season. One season—winter, spring, fall, summer—typically has three full moons. If a season has four full moons, then the third full moon in the season may be called a Blue Moon.
• Calendrical Blue Moon: The second full moon of a calendar month. It takes our Moon about 29.5 days to complete one cycle of phases (from new Moon to new Moon), so if a full Moon occurs on the first of a month, there will be a second full Moon at the end of the month, too (except in February).

WHEN IS THE NEXT BLUE MOON?

As of this writing, the next Blue Moon according to either definition will occur on May 18, 2019, at 5:11 P.M. EDT. 

This will be a seasonal Blue Moon, since the May full Moon is the third of four full Moons to occur in Spring 2019, defined by the Spring Equinox and the Summer Solstice.

The four full Moons are:

1. Full Worm Moon: March 20 at 9:43 P.M. EDT
2. Full Pink Moon: April 19 7:12 A.M. EDT
3. Full Flower Moon: May 18 at 5:11 P.M. EDT <- lue="" nbsp="" oon="" span="">
4. Full Strawberry Moon: June 17 at 4:31 A.M. EDT

My Brain Trust

At my age, brain fitness is a priority. I'm backing away from those who choose not to exercise their brains.....or use them at all.  Staying sharp as a senior is as important as staying physically healthy!  Here are a few tips to keep up the mental magic.

1. Learn something new..every time you learn something new, your brain makes a new connection. They even said learning to fly a drone and activate a new brain connection... That lasted about 2 crashes and a tree landing for me!
2. Take a walk...4000 steps a day produces thicker hippocampi (the part of the brain associated with long-term memory).  I guess 2000 steps just lead to thicker hips!
3. Be a Social Butterfly...talking, listening and socializing can be a super dose of mental fitness.   Yesterday, I overdosed!!
4. Food for Thought...They suggest eliminating dairy, gluten, processed food and sugar.   What else is there?
5. Go Nuts...Already there!
6. Stop and Smell the Rosemary...The sense of smell can trigger many memories and emotions.If you smell, spritz, sip or cook with fresh rosemary, you'll be promoting cognitive function and speed up memory.
7. Take a nap...A 40 minute nap can transfer memories from the hippocampus to long-lasting knowledge networks of the cortex.
8. Challenge yourself in fun ways! Walk backwards, write with your non-dominant hand, hop on one leg or even brush your teeth with your "other hand!" They say to work your brain the way you work your muscles..  Well, that analogy sucks!

I guess I might have to do some more reading on keeping my brain trust in the black and continuing to provide me with much needed revenue!!!

New Normal

Change is strange..... it's making things radically different to charting a different position or course.   I thought I was too old for change...little did I know. Some changes don't ask for permission. I'm in the midst of that right now.  Saying no is not an option.  I need to take the protagonist position right now but I don't have the power to affect the outcome...I don't like that......not one bit.

I'm supposed to be the elder with the experience and the good advice.  Without having the experiences, I find myself treading water while trying to decide which stroke will help me (us!)  Basically, I just want OUT of the pool! 

I have taken so many deep breaths lately that I've found myself with terminal hiccups.  What I want to do (and say) is nowhere near what I know is prudent. Then again, being prudent, cautious and filtered has never been my strong suit!

My new normal is helping when asked, abstaining from unsolicited advice, keeping the new monikers to a minimum and learning to accept that I am not only unnecessary but in some cases, unwanted. That's a challenge..especially during Mother's Day week when everyone seems to be over appreciative. 

I have reconciled that life is (will be) different. That I will be thankful for those who care, leery of those who do not and wise enough to know the difference.

P.S.  I still love Mondays!♥

PA. bound

The only reason I would relish the thought of Pennsylvania is to retrieve my #1.  New normal, new start, new goals.

Heading to Levittown !  Back tomorrow!  Ready for what comes next..

 Douglas MacArthur was a wise man:

Build me a son, O Lord, who will be strong enough to know when he is weak and brave enough to face himself when he is afraid, one who will be proud and unbending in honest defeat and humble and gentle in victory! ♥

Me, Me, Me, Me

I have always shied away from folks who were all me, me, me!  I applauded folks who were proud of themselves and their accomplishments but who could do so with being boastful.

I still steer clear but have turned the corner on putting me first.  It only took 67 years and a few months of heartbreak but for the near future, life's going to be about me. ( I could barely type that without cringing!)  Life will be what it will be but I'm going to read more and cry less, relax more and stress less and pray more but expect less. I am responsible for my happiness and life is too freaking short to waste it.

So.........I just booked a house for 35 days in Florida next March.  My rehab!  Lots of room for friends to come and visit, hot tub, heated private pool, king size bed and 3 tv's.....right on a lake. (which in Florida is smaller than most ponds Wendell has built!)  Some of you who know me well, know I'm not really a fan of Florida and I do relish my NY vacay when Lee is in Florida....but I've hiked up my big girl panties and I'm gettin' outa Dodge...he'll be shooting and I'll be floating!   I've always said that this stage in our lives needs to be accompanied by something to look forward to beside aches and pains.  I'm giving it a try.  Christmas will be an austerity holiday this year. Everyone will be getting what they've given...🤯

It's a new me inside with the same OLD outside... I can only do so much!!!!!

Let Us Pray

I saw an amazing movie yesterday...Breakthrough...about a boy who had fallen through the ice and the power of prayer.

I have prayed A LOT the past 9 weeks...Probably more than in the last 67 years. I have not always had as much faith as one should. I'm sure many folks don't. I know my Dad would have told you that he blatantly did not believe in God or any higher power. I'm pretty sure the questioning would happen when anyone loses a child.  It's not the normal progression of how things are supposed to be.  He would tell you he was a faithful hypocrite. He gave more than anyone I have ever known. He gave to the church. He contributed to missions, capital improvements, flowers, ministry etc....but he would not attend and he no longer believed. 

As children, we went to church as a family, we sang in the choir, we joined the youth groups and it was part of our lives.  As adults, we did not.  You absolutely learn what you live and acclimate to the climate of your household. (My children are a testament to that...good and bad!)

For the past few months, I have prayed extra hard. Hands folded, knees bent and tears flowing I have asked for good health, strength, and forgiveness.  I have always prayed! I have asked for things for others and now, a bit guilt-ridden, I am asking for me.  I need wisdom, strength and a selfish return on my investment.  I feel much like the analogy that explains that if your oxygen mask drops on an airplane, you need to first breathe it in so you can then help others.  I need oxygen♥

Yesterday's movie was cathartic, to say the least. Its message was exactly what I needed to hear (and see!)  I know it was a movie and life doesn't totally work as the script was written but being a true story indeed gave folks hope.  I tried to remember that miracles seldom happen but then think...it's a script...that word must be a derivative of the word scripture.  Don't panic...I haven't gone off the deep end and you won't need to call me a "Jesus Freak" but I do believe in the power of prayer.  We got here somehow and for some reason.  I've always been a firm believer in Thank yous.  Whether you are a believer or a skeptic, this movie gives us hope that there really is power in prayer. I gave it a firm 2 thumbs (and 8 fingers) straight up!  I know if you see it, you will too!🙏

Staying Sharp!

Signs of aging for me include loss of name recognition, my hands looking like my grandmother's, my verbal filter has totally left the building, sleeping in my chair,  declaring some friends..... family and some family.....strangers, and my inherited "kind of don't give a shit attitude about what other people think" flourishing!  I guess, for the most part, I'm an average senior citizen.

Another sure sign of aging is reading the AARP magazine when it arrives in my mailbox.  It usually hooks me with a handsome, white-haired, white-bearded senior (male, of course, a white-bearded female would be kind of a turn off) on the cover or a headline that I can immediately relate to...."How to Make your Kids Hate You"...that was a piece of cake.

So, in this month's AARP periodical, is an article on how to stay sharp for life...Unless I've totally lost my mind.... there wasn't one single answer or even clue in the entire article.  It kind of debunked a few old theories but didn't really share any positive tips. Are senior moments signs of dementia?..seldom. Does eating fish contribute to mercury affecting my brain...nope, it's good for you!  Does waking up tired and irritable forebode a shifting from a healthy to impaired brain function...probably..(shit!) Will high cholesterol lead to Alzheimer's...maybe,  Does diabetes decline your verbal memory....sometimes and do antidepressants make you gain weight.... not usually...   Not one of those paragraphs help me stay mentally sharp...unless.......they're hoping that weird seniors actually try and figure out what the hell they're talking about..In that case,  my mental acuity is still sharp enough to realize that their page-filler articles are just a bunch of poppycock. Poppycock...there's the proof in the pudding right there that I'm still tarp as a shack!!!!

"Sions" & "Tions"

The world, including my own, is in the midst of "sions (tions)."   Our governmental world is full of collusion, delusion, confusion, division, diversion, apprehension and aggression.

Sadly, my world is full of confusion, revulsion, expulsion, lack of comprehension and admission... I just wish we all had more compassion, accommodation, education and remediation. 

Most of all, what happened to the affection and why was it replaced by rejection? 

How to love adult children

I've always wanted to write... maybe a book, maybe an article, maybe just my thoughts.  This blog is most likely the closest I will ever come to being a writer.  For several years I deceived myself into believing that my children might one day be interested in what I thought...about anything actually!  I would write my musings every few days and at the end of each year, I'd gather them together through the miracle of technology, have them bound into what I pretended was an actual published work and give it to them as a Christmas gift.  Pretty sure neither of them has picked them up since putting them on a dusty shelf while de-Christmasing! I guess if they don't care what I am doing or thinking now, they certainly won't give a hoot later.  They might pick it up after I pass hoping through the onset of senility I left a few Ben Franklins tucked into a page or two.  Sorry kids, I've decided to spend them on me from now on. 

I really hoped I had shown through my actions that love is unconditional.  I might have been wrong.
Loving adult children is totally a horse of a different color. Thankfully, Jeff is allergic to horses.  Jessica, on the other hand, always wanted a white horse and said if we couldn't find one it was ok...she'd just paint it.  So much for the horse analogy!  You can only show love in so many ways and for so long before the investments become too difficult for the lack of returns. I recently read an article in AARP magazine (sadly) that told the story of one adult child who actually carried two cell phones. He gave everyone  (friends, acquaintances, work, etc) one number and to the other, his mother, he gave the second number.  In this way, if he chose not to converse with Mom at that particular time, he just didn't answer that phone. (This was obviously before the simplified caller ID)  Today, they ( she) just block you on Facebook and don't bother to call at all.  I'm coming to terms with that.  Thankfully, I have one who calls faithfully and never fails to end our calls with, "I Love You!"

Loving adult children shouldn't be a chore.............or a choice.  I am a firm believer that you give what you get. Unconditional is a very broad term.  You can only be knocked down so many times before unconditional becomes unacceptable and unacceptable becomes unbearable.  My only hope is that my grandchildren have equal parts of learning what they live and being able to assess right from wrong while living it.

My hopes are still unconditional and my love is still available!  It shouldn't be so much of a struggle.

One will....One won't

                                          I'd like to think this is what my children would say. 

                                                         One will :-)   ...   One won't :-(

Favorite People

Lip service is a disservice!  Say it if you mean it.  Zip it if you don't!  An insincere gesture is worse than no gesture at all. If you feel it, do it! If you mean it, Say it! I have had interaction with many the past few weeks who are as sincere as any folks I've ever known.  I've also had hours of time with those who are not!  I agree that there may be several different kinds of love.  In fact, in the study of Psychology, there are 7 different kinds of love.  Many are wonderful, sensual and even platonic but more and more folks that I see these days are full of self-love...the most destructive kind.  Please don't confuse self-esteem and self-love...two entirely different packages.  We all suffer hurt and disappointment but our setbacks neither damage us or diminish us. Most of us are instilled with resilience...We are open to growth experiences and relationships and even tolerant of risks. We are quick to be joyful and happy and we are accepting and forgiving of ourselves and those we love.  If we don't possess those qualities, which sometimes are tough to muster, then the love we professed for others....isn't love at all.
So, if you are one of those few folks to whom I've said those three little words, please be keenly aware that I mean them.  For those whom I have obligatorily mouthed them, I apologize....You all know which group you're in! ♥

New beginnings

January 1st is generally the beginning of a new year... I think birthdays are the beginning of a new year so today would be mine.  I have always been a big fan of birthdays and enjoy each and every one... Today is bittersweet but sweet nonetheless.  In the last few weeks, I have learned to be grateful for each and every day. I do believe that life is what you make it but often the circumstances that surround us make it a bit tougher than we anticipated. 
My wonderful friend, Kyle with whom I cooed, cried and pooped in the nursery 67 years ago tomorrow, gave me a book of quotes today.  Each one is appropriate for life with its ups and downs. Abe Lincoln penned: "I have simply tried to do what seemed best each day, as each day came."  Me too. I have wonderful successes and disappointing failures.  I am trying to smile through them all and know that I really did try to do my very best in all aspects of the past 67 years.  I believe I was a good daughter. I tried to do all the things that were required and expected of me with love. I believe I was/am a good wife.  I know I could be kinder and more patient ... I'm still a wife in progress. I believe I was/am a good Mom.  I tried to teach right from wrong, good from bad and being kind versus being a jerk.  Some sunk in, some did not. I believe I am a good Grandma.  I love them both unconditionally and forever.  I will always do what I can for them and hope it's not too much or too little. 
I am slowly learning that what happens in life is often out of my control and not a consequence of something I did wrong.  I am also learning that how I am treated is NOT always fair and not necessarily a product of reaping what I sowed.  Some would never consciously have made the choices they did.....others absolutely do.  Some learn from their weaknesses others continue to destroy with lingering malice. 
Charles Dickens says: "Reflect upon your present blessings - of which every man has many - not on your past misfortunes, of which all men have some." Today I will count my blessings...many of which include some wonderful family members and a spectacular circle of true friends.  You know who you are ♥  Happy Birthday to me!

Prayers

It's a long story and I don't have the strength, the heart or the time to pen the circumstances.  I need lots of prayers and lots of good wishes heading in our direction. I seldom, if ever, ask for anything... I need these NOW....more than ever.

Thank you all!!!!♥

14 days ♥

I have learned much in the past 14 days!

• NEVER take anything or anyone for granted
• What you don't know, can kill you
• Even less is more
• Knowledge is power....and peace
• Never judge a book (human) by its cover (persona)
• Helpless doesn't have to mean hopeless
• Love unconditionally ........ if you don't, it's not love at all
• Family has nothing to do with genes
• Normal is 98.6.......not usual, not typical, not expected  
• Be your own normal ♥

DNA

It's all the rage...DNA.  The law enforcement world loves by it, the medical world depends on it and now everyday, run-of-the-mill folks can learn from it. For just a few dollars and a cheek swab, you can find new beginnings. 

Both of our kids are adopted...not a newsflash for those in the know!  The information that comes home with them is often sketchy and riddled with inconsistencies.  In our cases, both Jeff and Jess came with some limited information including ethnicity (for lack of a better word.) Jeff was delivered with a background of Polish and Irish while Jess came with an American Indian heritage.  We knew a few current facts as well that calmed our fears of being completely history ignorant.

For Christmas in 2017, I gave each of the kids DNA kits.  I thought it would fun as well as informative and at least give their kids a picture of possible roots across the pond. Jess did hers sooner than Jeff.  That fit with the researched facts that most adopted girls are interested in who they are.  Boys, a horse of a different color.  Generally, they are content with who they are and where they came from.  A few weeks ago, Jeff decided to throw his spit in the ring too.

Jessica's kit was returned with, surprise, very little Native American lineage... She was mostly European in the regions of the Netherlands and Switzerland. Wow... All these years when we bought her the native American barbies and American girls, dreamcatchers and moccasins, we were promoting her ethnicity somewhere completely off the chart.  We still wonder a bit as we were so inspired by genetics when she, as a child, named her two kittens, Rain Cloud and White Paw. :-)
So, now we know we should have focused more on wooden shoes and tulips.

Jeff's kit is still being analyzed but we are no longer dishing out Polish jokes and Kielbasa.  We'll welcome whatever heritage news we get and will embrace it. Jett will know where his roots are and someday he may choose to study his beginnings.....(we know they began in Charlotte ;-)

We all think it's more important to know where you're going than where you came from......unless you don't know!  We've learned the past few weeks that personal history is important.  It could change your life....forever. DNA is more than just Deoxyribonucleic acid ... It can open a door to "Defining New Ancestors" or if you choose to just let it be, Doing Nothing is Acceptable!!

We were given gifts on February 14th and June 4th.  We let them develop who they are...good, bad or indifferent, Now, through the genius of research, they can learn where their lineage took root... I believe knowledge is power and the more you know, the more you can be.  We'll see !

Every Monday Matters

As everyone who has read my ramblings knows, Mondays are my favorite day of the week.  A fresh start, back on schedule, TV shows at regulars times, soap operas to make my life appear relatively normal and all is right with the world...or at least my little piece of it!

This morning, Kathy Lee and Hoda interviewed a fellow who had a panic attack one Monday and an epiphany ensued.  It was time for him to stop worrying about living up to everyone else's expectations and to live his life more for himself!  He aptly titled it, Every Monday Matters!  I've known that for....forever!

This Monday, I'm a little older, a little wiser and a little more thankful for every single friend and every single moment.  I'm a little more grounded and humbled knowing I can't fix everything for everyone I care about but there are those who can help me along the way.  Those who share experiences, those who talk me through bad times and those who just listen.  That makes me luckier than most!

When?

They say that God never gives you more than you can handle!  When exactly is that and how will I know.?  I think I'm getting close :-(

Vows

Can't keep them......don't make them!  Although vows are just words they have a connotation connected with them that makes them almost holy.  Webster calls them a solemn promise by which a person is bound to an act, service or condition.  That's why marriage ceremonies include vows.  Marriages are like many of the things in life that we are unable to do unless we have complete knowledge and are actually licensed to do....like driving a car, owning a firearm, teaching our children or practicing medicine...just to name a few!  They take forethought, desire, skill, patience, and the determination to be in it for the long haul.

Better   -   Worse
Richer   -   Poorer
In Sickness   -   and in Health
To Love   - and Cherish

It ain't easy folks but nothing worthwhile ever is. Just sayin'

Forty Valentines!

There's the 7-year itch, 16 candles, 25th everyone's new baby.  He was showered with love from everybody we knew...from the fire department to the police department.  His arrival was met with smiles, gifts, calls and visits.  Grandma and Grandpa Hatfield even delayed their Florida vacation to welcome him home.

anniversary, terrible 2s but not much slaps you into reality like 40 Valentines.  Forty years ago today, we headed north to pick up our Valentine gift.  He was just about the most perfect thing on earth....or anywhere.  He was a smiler, a sleeper, an eater and a perfect baby.........well until I kept waking him with my finger under his nose to make sure he was still breathing.  He was

Barely a reprimand or a stern look in all 40 years.  They don't make kids like that...or at least I couldn't.  He loved everybody and everybody loved him right back.  Some things stuck even 40 years later.  He still calls his Uncle Ray, "Honey Ray" and his name in return was, "Hank!"  He still has a profound bond with his babysitter and (2nd Mama) Resa Dee.  We knew her then as "Ah-Rah!"   He loved his Dukes of Hazard ta-gar and would sing the chorus of Elvira like it was a concert on stage. He had no fear from birth and carried it right into Motocross.  He was our champion and we loved every minute (minus the breaks, ambulance rides and hospital stays.)  He raced hard, worked hard, liked hard and loved hard.......pretty good attributes, I'd say. 

When he moved to Charlotte our hearts ached but we knew everybody flies sometime.  He broke hearts and some broke his.  More than a decade plus, he came home. Second best day ever!

He's our poster child for the nature versus nurture theory with nurture winning by leaps and bounds.  Disappointment will never be associated with this guy. We couldn't be more proud of his work ethic, his commitment to his family, his sense of humor or his joy of fatherhood. 

We couldn't be more joyful in those who chose to allow him to be our son.  A gift of love far beyond what most could do or would do. We were lucky then and so much luckier now. Forty years have flown... with every single one happier because of that Valentine's Day in 1979.  We gotcha and what a gift you are ♥

I Wish They Were....

I seem to be thinking this a lot lately...."I wish they were_________!"  I could fill in the blank with lots of words.  I wish they were thinkers. I wish they were aware. I wish they were wealthy or I wish they were lucky. I wish they were healthy and I wish they were safe.  I guess the one thing I wish the most is I wish they were small again.  When they were small, their problems were my problems.  I either created them or I solved them.  If it was cold, I dressed them warmly. If it was hot, I sprayed the hose. If they had boo-boos, I bandaged them and if they were sick, I comforted.  If they were dressed to the nines, I had dressed them and if they looked rag-a-muffins, who cared.  If they needed milk money, I gave it f....or book fairs, or yearbooks or candy bars.  If homework was hard, I helped if it was easy, I praised. Now, 30 years later, I just get to worry. I can seldom make it better and advising is just seen as interfering.  My wisdom is seen as generational meddling. After all, what  could I reasonably know or understand.........it's the 21st century and I'm old.

There are some pretty cool perks to being old.  You might have to squint a bit to see them but they're absolutely visible. There is just plain stuff you know! Love is still love and like is still like...There's quite a big difference.  If you don't mean it, don't say it....about anything. Rich comes in many forms other than wealth.  It's possible to be rich at 40!  NOTHING is easy...trite but true.  If you expect easy, you're in for a long, miserable life. Be a bit of a planner.  You can never have enough insurance.  Once you have something, protect it and write a will.  If you worked for it, there's no sense giving it away to someone you haven't chosen.  Never, ever be afraid to seek counsel for anything you're unsure of......(investing, affairs of the heart, purchases, education....) Someone you know has been there and will share their words of wisdom. You need not take the advice but be smart enough to ask for it.

Wishing they were/are what you hoped they would be can be worrisome, often debilitating and usually fruitless. Remembering who you were at their age helps.  Realizing that it took very little time to go from then to now can be paralyzing. Hoping you're around to see your grandkids flourish, to have them ask for just a  touch of your knowledge or want to spend a little time with you is worth all the "I wish they weres" you're struggling with.

You did your best, maybe it was enough, maybe not. I wish there were answers!

Some days!

Some days are really tough. Today is one!  I feel like my hands are tied....unless they're in my wallet!  When you can see things happening and are at a loss to fix them or make those that can...understand.  It's affecting all of us but most importantly one of us.  So much for the Golden years.  This is so much tougher than the days when I could make the decisions.  They obviously weren't all top notch but they came with good intentions, researched objectives, and only everyone's best interests at heart. Some decisions worked, others flopped but I would and could admit when I erred.  Nobody admits anything anymore.  Let's just take a pill, get support and live life minute to minute.  No goals, no objectives no nothing and whoever gets lost in the shuffle....so be it... SO sad:-(

Who am I.....since when?

So many different schools of thought on what and who we will be......and when.......and how!  Are we predisposed to be who and what our family raises us to be?  Are we born to be intelligent thinkers or nurtured by our surroundings to listen, learn and develop into someone eager to garner knowledge and use it to the very best of our abilities?  Can an unchallenged brain be trained to be a thinker? Once again we float back to the age-old nature vs. nurture quandary.  We've been there plenty of times and I think I may have skewed my thinking to occasionally alleviate my responsibilities.

We've certainly heard stories about children who grew up in low-income homes, homes riddled with abuse and homes with single parents.  Many of these children thrived despite their adversities and became intelligent, productive adults who contributed in the most important fields of life.  Equally so, children who grew up with every advantage often staggered through life never really being successful for themselves or society.

So, once again, are we born (nature) to a predestined future or are we taught and loved (nature) to be the person we become.  As I've said before as a parent of two adopted children, When they blossom into successful adults, it's nurture! When they flop on the shore like a fish out of water and appear to be directionless, it's nature!  (Pretty much just a cop-out on my part.)

Now let's take me for instance.  I've always felt I achieved far less than I was predestined to... Prime example right there as we all know you don't end a sentence with a preposition!!!!  I was a successful student who went on to college..........for ONE semester. I had no worries about tuition, competence or goals.  My only issue was that I was tired of school and wanted to take a break.  I did!  I could have achieved anything I set my mind to and that was.... no more studying.  Hindsight is definitely 20/20.  In my mind, I was successful. I had a few diverse jobs where I learned much. I liked people but I took direction poorly. I often wonder if I could have been more, done more or seen more.  I never had to worry much about having more...even when having less was perfectly fine.  I enjoyed volunteering.

In my adult life, I was on several different boards and served them all well..(in my humble opinion.) Yesterday, as I was sorting through old pictures and memorabilia, I found a letter from my kindergarten teacher in 1958.  It answered many of the previous questions I had about who I was and if I'd always been that person.  I've added it below and will let you decide for yourselves! ;-)

Baby it's Cold Outside

It's cold!! Do I love it, not particularly but on the other hand, I don't hate it. I've lived here for my entire 67 years and have no desire to leave.  I have wintered in Florida....meh! I have vacationed in Hawaii, S, America, the Caribbean, Puerto Rico....meh!  They were all warm and wonderful but they weren't home.  Sunny days were great, rainy days sucked.  Sometimes it was too hot to be outside just as many days (weeks and months) are too cold to be outside here. I've always found it much easier to get warm than to get cool.  You can always put on more clothes but taking them off has its limits and its pathetic downside for those in eyesight!

Lee, on the other hand, takes blood thinners in his old age and dresses for a polar vortex in May. For him (and me,) a winter, Floridian vacation is a necessity.  His southern adventure is merely weeks away....and yes, I'm counting! Each day in February we are gaining about 1 minute of daylight. When we hit the spring equinox (March 21st,) we'll be gaining nearly 3 minutes per day. Every minute is a welcoming pill toward curing my SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder.)  Books help, TV helps and early to bed helps but nothing can trump daylight and sunshine!

Our winters as kids were cold and snowy.  Much colder and much snowier than this century. We had snow days when the roads were nearly impassable...few and far between!. I don't remember ever closing when it was cold...but I also don't remember parents micro-managing every single decision that happened in our schools.  I can't imagine having the responsibility to take care of 1300 kids from 4 -18.  Whatever those folks are paid, it might be too little....it might seem like a lot but if you put things into perspective, it's pennies per child. Let them do their jobs and do yours too!

It does come down to doing what's best, meshed with doing what you can afford, intertwined with doing what makes you happy.  Baby it's cold outside but it's HOME!

Gifts

Lately, I've been getting rid of stuff.  Some stuff is really good, some stuff is really old, some stuff is really kitschy and just plain junk.  It seems that every week Lee takes a box or two to the local thrift store.  Most of each donation is good...really good. I have recently sent leather briefcases, perfectly good electronics (with remotes) and even fairly expensive Christmas decor.  I sincerely hope someone knows and appreciates the value and enjoys my purged items. 

Sadly, some of these were gifts :-(  This reminds me how important it is to give caring, necessary, well-thought-out gifts to friends and family.  I think (hope) I have always done this.  I remember Lee getting a shirt one Christmas that was red and white striped and definitely came from a second-hand store. It would have made a wonderful "Where's Waldo" costume.  It was definitely the thought that (dis) counts....and there was little.  I do not re-gift and I do not thrift gift unless it still has the tag on it or it's a joke.. Actually, I seldom frequent second-hand shops unless I'm on a quest for an object and it's for something other than clothing!  On the other hand, antique and rummage joints are right up my alley...So I guess I'm a junk hypocrite! I can live with that!

But back to the gift angle.  I listen and watch for things that might be mentioned by friends and family.  Things that they enjoy or might not be able to afford or feel the need to purchase for themselves.  Lately, for my family, I like to contribute to something they might like to do as a family or enjoy by themselves.  This year I bought concert tickets for my grandgirls and tee shirts of the band. I gave a "scholarship" to preschool for my grandson in a cool frame where all of his artwork could be stored.  Jett and family now have gift cards to Diggerland where he can ride and "drive" all the big, real construction equipment.  Jeff has a golfing gift certificate and  Jess got working attire and shoes she couldn't afford.  I know all these things will be utilized and enjoyed and not stuck in a drawer or cupboard till they decide to purge too.

Friends are some of my favorites to gift.  They are truly appreciative and are great givers themselves. Recently everyone was chiding me for already purchasing a few gifts for Christmas 2019.. When I see it and I know it will be liked, I buy it.  Not only does it put me ahead of the game but it allows me to purchase nicer things throughout the year.  I can't really do that for my family as their likes and dislikes and wants and needs may change throughout the year but by August, I generally have several ideas for all of them. 

I think I really would have loved being a personal shopper.  I seldom hit the stores themselves just to randomly shop. I peruse online, compare prices and occasionally order and send to the box store for pick up.  It's not because I'm lazy (although my knees definitely are) but rather I might impulse shop and get something I don't really need....like chocolate! I think looking for just the right gift for just the right person is a gift in itself.  The only gift I know for certain that most will enjoy is my gift of gab.  I've been told by many that I have been blessed by that virtue (if you may.)  It's definitely one gift that few have returned and one that keeps on giving...😉

An urge to purge!

All of the sudden, I have an urge to purge... not physically, thank heaven but OBJECTively!  I'm sorting, filing and burning!

Yesterday, I got rid of every single duplicate checkbook I had..and there were lots....way back to 2007 and even a bit of bookwork from 2005... Decided that it was time to remove some leftover files of Dad's.  He's been gone 12 years and I can still hear him telling me why I should keep...pretty much everything. My broker sends monthly statements..Dad explained that they wouldn't be pre-hole-punched it they didn't intend me to keep them in a binder. Really Dad. get away from the typewriter and your used paper and pencil and step into the 21st century.  He never did and was completely happy right where he was.  I am now completely unhappy with all this stuff and it's headed to the burn barrel. I understand the need to keep some things for IRS purposes. I used to keep everything for 7 years.   I just had a nice chat with my broker who said I suggest you keep 3 years as some companies (and banks) tend to change their names through buyouts and the like.  The older you get, you may want to keep 5 years for Medicaid purposes. So, by tonight, everything in my den closet will be no older than 5 years old..... YAY ME!!! All has to be burned or shredded and shredding is a tedious job that seems archaic next to burning. So, if you see smoke signals coming from EIEIO during the next few days, you'll know it's my financial insecurities going up in a blaze of glory.

Now for purge # 2.  Books and magazines.  I have kept every HGTV magazine I ever purchased.... They'll all be gone soon and I'm fine with that.  I'm not so fine with parting with my books.  99% of the books I have read in the past 5 years have been enjoyed on my Kindle.  I can make the print bigger, take it with me anywhere and get my mail and Facebook on it.  It's a treasure!  I could actually have my books read to me if the need were to arise.  But, now my heartbreak...what to do with the books. Mind you these are not classics or national treasures but to me they are. Many are from my treasured authors. Sidney Sheldon was the first author to make me not want to put a book down.  I probably could reread these books and completely enjoy them over again.  I saw a photo the other day of a giant tree stump that some gal repurposed into a book lending spot.  Wouldn't that be wonderful....maybe the giant tree at the bottom of Oak Hill....just another pipe dream.  All "we'd" need is a corner of someplace that is always open.  Maybe the little building next to Jennings or a sliding window in the old firehouse. Maybe some shelves at Millstream. We just need bookshelves...somewhere!!  You could borrow a book, read it, return it and borrow another.  Books for kids, for Moms, for cooks and for Dads....Dads read too! I just don't want to give these books to Goodwill.  Something will come up.

Purge # 3.  Boxes....empty boxes. phone boxes, Kindle boxes, camera boxes. firestick boxes...just a lot of empty boxes... The label with possible serial numbers will be photographed and the boxes will be following the checkbooks to "The Barrel!"

If these 3 purges happen by the end of the weekend, it will have been a successful week. The double closet will be much lighter and I won't have had to stick my finger down my throat once! ;-)

Alone

When being alone is a choice, I love it.  I'm not quite sure how I would feel if being alone was what was handed to me.  I am not insecure, or depressed, or anxious around people. I can hang with the best (and the worst) and hold my own in most any environment. I can don my frilly frocks (who am I kidding, my last frilly frock was my wedding dress) and rub elbows with the elite or sit by a bonfire and tell dirty jokes while the men (and sometimes the women) drink and fart. I can enjoy both crowds but if choosing, I'd be by the farters.  I enjoy our morning breakfast club and have for over 30 years.  Some of my tablemates may change but it's always light-hearted and enjoyable.  Generally, these folks know more about me and mine than me and mine! That's OK! I also have a lunch bunch group of old friends that I enjoy immensely.  Once a month, I cleanse my impure thoughts and my pent up frustrations on these poor gals!  They listen and love unconditionally. I have those old friends who know me best and still care about me.  I enjoy going out to dinner...mostly because I don't have to cook!  I wish I could snap my fingers and be there and back as so many restaurants I enjoy are too far away now.  Maybe it's actually just a chauffeur that I need. What I like best about all these outings is going home. The anticipation of my home, my recliner, my TV, my TiVo and my phone are all a jumbled mess of old and new that I have become wonderfully accustomed to. ( I know..sentence ending in a preposition..got it.) I actually like being alone!

Being alone is cathartic.  I can do whatever I please, whenever I please for as long as I please.  I probably shouldn't look up spoiled ...that's liable to be the definition.  I justify my joy in my seclusion by thinking I have earned it.  I raised my kids to the best of my ability...some failures and successes. I have built, what I feel, is a lovely home where I can enjoy my grandkids and live out my golden years. I owe little and can spread a bit of unsolicited happiness when the mood strikes me.   To me, alone just means that I'm by myself...it doesn't mean lonely!  I love some of the definitions of alone: unattended - that's ok, abandoned - not, forsaken - doubtful, abnormal - probably but the best is retired - exactly.

As long as alone is a choice...and so far it is!, I'm fine. I have communication when I need it and I have isolation when I crave it. I have my surroundings when I yearn for solitude and beauty and I have my family and friends when I need frivolity, love and companionship. For now, I'm good. "All by Myself " may be my melodic mantra in years to come but for now I live by four easy rules:

• Take care of my home - try to keep organized, uncluttered and clean  ( I've mastered a couple)
• Find Beauty in the Ordinary - My Ordinary surrounds me completely...from birds and animals, to trees to the rising of the sun and moon... I've definitely got this one!
• Watch out for Noisy Thoughts - They can be my best friend or my worst enemy.  I have learned to keep mental monsters at bay and summon joyful noise on command. It might be eagles chirping or the Beach Boys singing and of late, a tune on the Ukulele by Miss B.  A great rendition of Somewhere over the Rainbow does the trick every time♥
• Love my grandchildren unconditionally -  and never stop teaching them what I've learned through my successes and failures...even when I think they're not listening!

Anticipation

Having versus anticipating!  We all want stuff.  Some of us save for it and finally, it becomes a reality.  Once we have it, it's part of our everyday life and we begin to want something else, something new.  So, we save for it or plan for it, get it, enjoy it and it becomes part of our everyday life!......... So maybe we should break the cycle and anticipate experiences instead of just stuff.  I'm not a big traveler so seeing the world, or even the good ole USA, probably isn't in my new experience folder but short jaunts, projects and even experiences for those I love can fill a folder to bursting!



Taking my family on excursions usually fills me up. They generally can't afford the bells and whistles so I buy them and blow them myself.  My soul is happy to see them happy.  Their anticipation is mine!  My projects make me happy too and as of late, I've decided I need to make me smile a little more.  Once again, it's the anticipation, the planning, the research even if it's just a me project.  Me projects are things like our theater, our Culture Cottage, Jim Bob, the pool fence...I enjoy these projects because it makes me happy.... Imagine that!♥



Possessions can be exhilarating but anticipation really matters according to clinicians who actually study it! They have found that anticipation of an experience causes excitement and enjoyment, while anticipation of obtaining a possession often causes impatience. (I may have to argue that point a bit...I still love the thrill of the wait and the joy of its arrival or completion!)  Experiences are enjoyable from the very first moments of planning, all the way through to the memories you will embrace forever.



So, the variables of having versus anticipating (or possessions versus experiences) can be summed up kind of like one man's trash is another man's treasure.  Do what makes you happy!  If it's buying for others, do it. If it's planning family outings, do it.  If it's dragging a 60-year-old truck into your front yard, do it! Just like beauty is in the eye of the beholder, happiness is in the mind of anticipator♥

Monday, Monday

Ahhhh..Monday, my favorite day of the week. Everybody thinks I'm crazy and most abhor the thought of Mondays.  Those are usually folks who have to get back to the grind and deal with coworkers, students, crappy driving weather and the like. I'm on Daylight Sandy time all year round!  Works quite nicely for me and keeps my need for mood enhancers at a minimum.  I never "did well" with other folks timetables whether it be an employer, a friend or a child.....as I look at it now...it's kind of the World according to Me! You can ask most anybody and they'll concur with my findings that I like my schedule. If I say 8, I mean 8 not 8:15 or even 7:45...I mean 8:00!  That most likely shoves me quickly into the bitch column but I've always been OK with that too. Flexibility has never been a strong suit with me... I know it, my family knows it, my friends know it so as Bailee used to say as a toddler, "Deal about it!"

It's not that I can't be flexible.... often necessity demands it and I begrudgingly adjust. Somethings though, are just set in stone....like laundry... I do laundry on Monday...so don't bring me a pair of jeans that you'd like to wear on Wednesday night, Wednesday morning. They should have been in the laundry Monday and they'd be all ready. (You do understand that I no longer have children in my household.)

I don't like to eat dinner late.... that would be most anytime after 7p.m.  Earlier, I've been growing accustomed to (hey, I'm old now!)  I seldom eat lunch so when 5-6p.m. rolls around, my stomachs are growling (not a typo.)

I'm a bit of a planner. I have purchased one thing for Christmas 2019 and I also have a list of ideas. I keep my ears and eyes open when folks mention likes and dislikes and wants and needs. This usually leads to purchases people need (like) and seldom return.  Jett's birthday (2-6) has been done and wrapped since before Christmas.  Valentine goodies are in the bag and cards are addressed. No, I don't have Easter ...but I'm on it!

In August I booked a family get-away to the Outer Banks for early April.  I called and spoke with the rep last week about getting the pool heater turned on and she explained that the pools and hot tubs wouldn't be opened until April 20th.  NOT what we had discussed several times in the past 5 months. It seems they were "notified by maintenance 2 months ago" of the pool opening date.  No notification was given to the renters....Pretty sure I'm not taking my grandkids to a huge house with a pool and hot tub and then tell them they can't use it.  Lee has a sign at his shop that states: Poor planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part!  Guess what... no trip to the OBX this spring.

Needless to say, sometimes Gramazon's staunch "her way" style doesn't sit well with everybody. Hard to teach an old dog new tricks so often we must take the bad with the good. There is far more good and everybody generally benefits.  So, on Monday when the world is grumbling, I'm saying "Ahhhhh" and enjoying the day.......and laundry!

Don't Panic

A fun night in Buffalo despite the snow and cold.  Gramazon gave the grandgirls (and Mom) a trip to Buffalo to see Panic at the Disco.  (Btw, that's a band)   The weather was a little scary so Papa offered to be their chauffeur for the trip.

Back to September...Bailee had left a note on my desk with all the information necessary to get tickets for a concert with a band I had NEVER heard of.  Unfortunately, it was in the middle of January in Buffalo....one of the snowiest cities in the northeast,  I said, "No way was I driving to Buffalo!"  Then Aunt Lacie volunteered and said, "Julz would love that too..I'll drive them!"  Fast forward to Christmas and that was their big gift. Fast forward again...and we had 10 inches of snow and schools closed...

Yesterday:  They loaded into Gramazon's car and headed to the Marriott Harborside for a girls night out and a Papa night in! Travel was good, girls were relaxed, Papa had a nice dinner and I had the entire king-sized bed and a fart-free room. TMI but I did make Papa take an unworn Christmas gift from years ago ....pajama pants.  Didn't want to scare the girls as Gramazon was too cheap to get another room.

Papa hit the sack early and the girls headed to the Key Bank Center for the show.  As a piano floated above the crowd and showmen shot up through the floor, they watched, listened and videoed intently. Here are some pix from a fun night on the town!

"Let" it Be!

I often enjoy reading the AARP magazine.  Let me be perfectly clear, I totally disagree with the majority, if not all, of their politics but if I want their supplemental health care, I must join and get the magazine and occasional perks!

They often have money saving articles for those of us in their senior years. The last advice tendered was some innovative ways to "live it up and keep costs down."  Obviously, their target audience is varied.  Here are a few of their suggestions.

• Traveling in a motor home can be expensive.  Even a 20ft RV would set you back a minimum of $70K.  Unless you plan on living in it, those costs are bit prohibitive unless your ship came in!  They suggest you rent, don't buy!  Possibly an Internet search on RVshare or Outdoorsy can secure you an RV for a vacation for as little as $1300. a week..   Let it be!
• If you enjoy camping (I'm a glamper) outdoors, on the ground gear could be $1000+.   Camp gear outfitters will rent you a tent, sleeping bags, cook stoves and more for $157 for three days. I actually know NO seniors that would enjoy either option. Let it be!?
• Bird watching? Elephant watching? Neighbor peeping?  Why buy a telephoto camera lens or a drone for thousands when you can rent for $100-200. Let it be!
• Here's my all-time favorite money-saving advice from the agricultural geniuses at AARP. "Your personal egg dispenser" WTF. "For really fresh eggs, rent chickens and a coop from sites such as Rent-A-Chicken (no shit....well you know what I mean) or RentACoop. For only about $240.................you'll get 2 egg-laying (well duh) hens, feed and gear for four weeks. You can expect about a dozen eggs a week. Or you could go to your local farmer's market and buy a dozen for $3.00.  Don't Let it be!

Obviously, I don't take advice very well..these could be some of the reasons why.  The motorhome option has crossed my mind as we've owned a few campers and a couple of motorhomes. Renting would be the way to see the USA and the grocery or market would be the way to get eggs...maybe not the freshest but at our age, old is OK.  I, on the other hand, would miss slipping in chicken shit. watching Herb chase the girls around the yard for a quickie and giving the girls those names I always wanted to name children..... Better run.....gotta go feed Shaniqua and the girls!

The Doctors

Pre Dr. visit.....

The Doctors...used to love that soap. Love most of the doctor shows on prime time with the exception of The Good Doctor which I think is the worst doctor show to date.  Today is a 90 day med check up... The receptionist said it was required for Medicare.  We'll be having a little discussion when I hit the exam room today. If Medicare requires one well visit per year (and pays for it), then one well visit it should be.....unless, of course, I find myself ,,,,,,well....not well!  Doctors are probably my least favorite folks. I've never had a great relationship with them as usually someone is dying or about to......takes all the warm, fuzzy feelings right out of the visits. I'm especially disillusioned with one right now and I think I'll pick the brain of mine today and see what words of wisdom she offers.  Hoping it isn't really a band of brothers (or sisters) and she gives me some useful tips in ethical quack evasion.  Prescription happy clinicians make my stocks soar but my psyche sorer!

Post Dr. visit...

Good talk!  My instincts were pretty much right on! I'm thankful for that and that I was able to read the clock, remember what I had for dinner last night and knew the date!  Always good to pass a test!!!  There is definitely a difference in physicians but I was able to see my issue from a few different perspectives.  I have a direction now and that's a good thing.

I still find immeasurable strength and validity in pharmacists and their skills but will now have the wherewithal to approach and question a physician! Once again, Grandma knows best!

The end...of the Season

January 4th and the sun is trying to shine, the grass is a shiny green and the puddles are frozen.  Bruce's tail feathers are rapidly growing and getting closer and closer to the ground from his perch. The chickens are on strike till there's more daylight and my focus is shifting from holiday pick up to Jett's birthday, purging unnecessary stuff and our spring trip.  This year we're OBX bound. 

The tree is undecorated and down...all three pieces.  I'm not sure how it will get put away in the storage room downstairs as my knees hurt, Jeff's sciatica is flaring and Lee hurt his back.  He suggested that we needed a dumbwaiter.......I replied, "We have one!"  JimBob will remain in winter mode with Frosty still lighting up at night and the plaid ribbons replaced by hearts.  Cogitating about his spring/summer appearance.  I thought an old gas station scene would be nice until I researched old gas pumps.... Way too much $.  Pinterest and I will figure out something.

We'll be celebrating Jett's 3rd birthday in 4 weeks but I already have his gifts wrapped and ready. A trip to Greek Peak may be in order for Winter break and Bailee has already begun rehearsals for Mamma Mia... just a bit part but she loves the music and it keeps her busy!

The temps are heading to a balmy 46 degrees today so the snowflake can come off JimBob, the wreath removed at the cemetery and maybe a short stroll around EIEIO....catch you later!!

The Price is Right...or is it?

Did you ever watch the game on the Price is Right called "That's Too Much?"  Well the producer at EIEIO might just have played that game a bit too long. 

The beginning of a new year is not only a time to clean the windshield to help see things coming at you a bit more clearly but also a time to make sure you have enough fluid going back to your rear window as well.  The crazy volatility of the market makes it a bit prohibitive to buy the good washer fluid so you stock up on the less expensive stuff that still relatively does the same job.  Now that your vision is clearer, it's time to get back to the game and decide whether it just might be time to shout out, "That's too much!" 

For those having trouble catching up to my weird way of thinking, I'll make it a little simpler. How long is too long to give financial help to your grown children?  To me, that's a bit like asking how the Internet works and how it is possible to pick up a phone and speak with someone in Africa? I will never know much less understand.....but that doesn't mean I shouldn't try.  So I went on the Internet (that I know nothing about!)  A recent survey by Merrill Lynch studied 50K respondents over four years. 84% said they would like to educate their family on ways to be more financially independent, while 70% said hey would consider cutting back on support to post-college children.  I'm assuming post-college means after college....period... whether they studied (yeah right) for one year, one semester or even one month :-/ Among those who contributed to those adult children, the average amount was $6,800 a year..WOW!

Let me digress a bit.  I had a very generous Dad but nothing was expected!  I never asked for financial support!  His generosity always came as surprise gifts when the mood struck him. (Here was a guy who always gave us gifts on his birthday!)  These gifts had no timetable and could have been $20, $100 or $1000.  When each unexpected and gratefully accepted envelop appeared, (sometimes on my car seat, or back door or even in the mail) it was accompanied by words of wisdom (written on a used piece of paper or an old envelope) and might say something like......."I have much and you are young and struggling. It gives me great joy to be able to help you in some small way. Use this wisely and I trust your judgment and your choice"  Always signed, Love, Your Dad.

Back to the present. So as I aged and had children of my own, some of which I should have eaten, I have tried to pay it forward.  A down payment here, a house there..(WTF)...................?????  I thought I was doing a good thing while helping them, making Dad proud at the Pearly Gates Golf Course and keeping the welfare and best interests of my kids and more importantly my grandkids at heart!  Resuming the game.... I think it's time to say, "That's too much!"  The game will end and the player will either win the prize or just be grateful that she had the chance to play at all.  Either way, she'd have done her best to get on stage.

Now the bigger question, When has it been too much for too long?  That would be now.  Now I know what the hell the phrase "The Buck Stops Here" really means...or at least my interpretation.  It literally stops here.... 2019 will be an awakening of sorts.  I have tried giving financial advice but it has fallen on deaf ears (no. not Lee's.)  So this year, Mom or Gramazon has my granddaughter has dubbed me, will be the Keeper of Books....the checkbooks.  You probably have surmised that the bottom fell out of the market for one child and the negotiated contract (literally) put me in charge of finances after a government bailout of sorts!   

So far, so good. My reservoir is relatively full and the windshield is clear and clean.  My rear view is visible and allows me to know I no longer wish to go in that direction.  I have a clear conscience that my sanity must come first, my grandkids welfare is dependent upon it and unquestionably, Mother knows best because Father knew best♥